Six Feet Under
Driving Mr. Mossback

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Things To Do In Seattle When You're Dead

It has long been tradition amongst the Children of Abraham that on the eve of the Passover holiday, the youngest able child in every family will ask four simple questions that, when answered, provide a thorough history of the exodus from Egypt, a deep understanding of Judaic ethics and morality, and a reasonably coherent explanation as to why we Jews are forced to eat nothing but crackers for eight days each year. I mention this for two reasons: first, so that every Jew reading this recap will be walking around with the phrase "Ma Nistanah Ha'laila Hazeh" stuck in their head for the rest of the day; and second, because the questions and answers themselves may help to shed some light on both the show, and why this recap is appearing several days too soon. So, without any further ado, here they are (and incidentally, you should know in advance that no one is allowed to eat anything until all four questions have been answered):

1. Why is this show different from all other shows?

Well, there's nudity, for one. And swearing. And also they prefer to fade to white instead of black. But mainly it's just the talking dead people.

2. Why is this recap different from all other recaps?

Do you mean the fact that it's three days early, or the fact that I'm sitting on a beach, sipping a (kosher for Passover) piña colada while I write it? I do, however, apologize for the lack of "convorsations" this week. I had Charlton Heston all lined up, but airport security wouldn't let him bring his AK-47 on the plane, so he got all pissy and went home.

3. On all other shows, the female leads are pleasant and entertaining. Why is this show so different?

I don't know, but Brenda and Ruth are really starting to chap my ass. I don't mind unlikable characters, but characters that are unlikable, boring, whiny, and full of themselves aren't fun for anyone. Which is why I have no idea why you people keep reading my recaps. Anyway, as always, Lauren is the exception that proves the rule.

4. On all other shows we eat bitter herbs like garlic while we watch. Why on this show do we smoke a completely different herb?

Because Alan Ball, God bless him, is a total pothead.

Fade up on a bus full of really, really old people being given a tour of scenic downtown Seattle by a perky redhead whose nasal twang isn't being done any favors by the amplifiers on her loudspeaker. She drones on and on about the origins of the city's famed Farmer's Market, and the fogies in back are all hanging on every word. Incidentally, if you watch real closely here, you can actually see the tiny, two-second shot of this week's DGDJ passing away that the editors tried to hide. Also, props to the, uh, props department for whoever found that vintage '80s camcorder in the fifth row. I used to have one just like that. Anyway, the tour comes to a close for the morning, and the guide sends everyone off the bus for lunch. Since this week's opening is almost entirely gimmick-free, Tour Guide Karen instead now has to make the sudden transition from perky to potty-mouthed and tell the driver, "I don't know about you, but I could sure use a fucking cigarette." And really, couldn't we all? Flick. Ahhh. Spotting a lone gentleman remaining on the bus, Karen calls over the loudspeaker for him to get out. Now. When he still doesn't move, she heads back to investigate, treating us to the memorably predictable line, "Aw shit. We've got another dead one back here, Larry." And that, my friends, is that. So long, Harold Mossback. Say hi to Kurt and Jimi for me while you're up there.

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