Well, this is it, y'all. The last episode. And I've decided to do something really special to mark the occasion. Remember how for the 24 Season Three finale, I traveled to Los Angeles and attempted to write the recap in real time? Well, at some point after I submit this recap, I'm going to die. I don't know when or how, but I know it's going to happen. This is the kind of thing I'm willing to do for you lovely people.
Starting out with a correction, because it's actually relevant; I thought it was the OB sitting next to Brenda as she tried to give birth at the end of the last episode, but it was in fact Ruth. The OB is down where she belongs, on her little stool, watching Willa crown. So who's going to be the Corpse of the Week? Brenda, dying in childbirth after insisting on ignorance throughout her pregnancy? Ruth, from attention starvation? Willa, from having a birth weight lower than that of a Big Mac? The OB, when Willa's eagerness to escape from Brenda expels her so quickly from the birth canal that she takes the doctor's head right off? We'll have to wait and see. The Foley guys dump a pot of goulash on the floor as Brenda slumps back in exhaustion. And then there's silence, as masked faces glance urgently at one another. Brenda asks why the baby isn't crying yet, and the OB whisks a gooey little latex doll over to a rolling Plexiglas crib, puts a ventilator bag over its face, and joins the group rolling it out of the room as Brenda wonders where the baby is going. Fade to white. Welcome to the world, Willa Fisher Chenowith (2005 -- [blank]). You have no idea what you've just gotten yourself into.
Claire arrives at home, just as Ruth's leaving a message on her machine about how small Willa is: four pounds, two ounces, which is indeed wee. Judging by Brenda's belly, the baby must have been wearing Missy Elliott's Hefty-bag outfit from "The Rain" video while in the womb. Ruth begins crying, saying, "I can't take another child dying" as she breaks down. We see that Ruth is talking on a pay phone in the hospital hallway instead of a cell phone, of course, because she hasn't learned anything. Ruth pulls herself together and says she's alone with Brenda and the baby at Cedars-Sinai, although she's sure Claire will want to come. Claire looks like she's trying to think of a way that Ruth could be more wrong, and the sheer volume of the mental effort she's expending is making the lines on my TV all wiggly. Ruth hangs up without Claire ever answering her phone.
A bit later, Claire's listening to the rest of her messages, the next of which is from Ted, explaining why he took her keys. "Yeah, the world is fucked up, but ending up in a wheelchair isn't gonna make it any better. You're too smart. You're too good. Don't waste that." Beep. And the next message is Ted again, realizing that he just turned into his father. Which is funny, because that's totally been an ongoing theme with him. Nice payoff. Ted says, "This is what you do to me. Call me, please." Totally disarmed, Claire picks up the phone to do just that.