Six Feet Under
Falling Into Place

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The Drowned World Tour

Nondescript church, exterior. Los Angeles. Day. Rico wanders through the inside of the church, and a tall priest approaches and asks if he can help him. Rico says that he would like to make a confession, and is surprised when the priest just sits him down in a pew and is all, "You did what with the who, now?" They sit next to each other and stare into the camera, Rico fessing to the big BJ he got in his car. Which is bad, because of the whole married thing. The priest asks if Rico knows the act of contrition, and he launches right in: "Oh, my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee. I detest all my sins, but most of all because they offend Thee, my God, who art all good and deserving of all my love. I firmly intend to confess my sins, do penance, and amend my life. Amen." It takes him exactly thirteen seconds, which the priest notes breaks a land-speed record for totally making up with the Lord, noting, "That was fast." Thanks, Father Time. Now are you going to make him go home and tell his wife? ["That's not what Catholics do, dude. Join the no-consequence faith today! You don't even have to know what's in the Bible" -- Wing Chun]

Brenda sits at a desk filled with important books and papers opened to relevant passages, clipped and highlighted for her convenience. How to Convince Him You're No Longer a Brotherfucking Loon. Girls' Guide to Making Your Man Happy. Charlotte Light and Breezy!. And so on. She calls Nate and asks when Lisa's funeral is, and asks if she should come. No, he says. No, she sure shouldn't. He thanks her somewhat brusquely and hangs up, the phone going directly to a dial tone because that's what it does when you call someone on one of those pesky 555 numbers. Swing it. Shake it. Move it. Make it. Fade to white.

Barb stands up in front of a group of mourners, eulogizing Lisa and the fact that vegans should mostly only die of malnutrition and not from such violence. Everyone's sad because eulogies make us all sound very delightful, including this one, which tells us that Lisa is "everywhere, which means she's home." Mrs. Lisa bursts into tears, because there's no Mapquest to the afterworld. In this world? You're on your own. Anyway, Hoyt carries an acoustic career up to the front of the room and the twins trail behind. He announces, "This was one of Aunt Lisa's favorite songs." Uh-oh. Magic Garden soundtrack alert, twelve o'clock! But instead, alas, it is "Teach Your Children" by Crosby, Stills, and Nash. Y'know, I thought they wouldn't work without Young. But, in fact, with two braying infants singing the poor woman's death march, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the Come And Play With Us Danny Twins represent a bit too much "young," overall. And as for their father? Well, Senator, I served with David Crosby. I knew David Crosby. David Crosby was a friend of mine. Senator, you are no David Crosby.

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Six Feet Under

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