Fade back up on bowling and tidy plot resolution. David is kicking Keith's ass, primarily because he was a bowling champ back in high school. Why don't I have a hard time believing that? Two guys come up behind them, and ask if they're together. "Yes. Yes we are," answers Meta David, and suddenly all is right in the world. So of course, we cut to Brenda's house. Nate enters and hears Brenda holed up in the back bedroom. There's some pizza-boy role-play as Nate starts unbuttoning his shirt before he even gets back there. Once inside, he finds her draped on the bed, with about a hundred candles burning around the room. Uh, gee, wonder what that symbolizes. As he undresses and climbs onto the bed, Nate tells her that "Mom said to say that the lavender bath scrub was delicious." These two have some seriously warped ideas about foreplay. Nate asks about the candles, and Brenda tells him that she's "burning up. Burning up for [his] love." They kiss, but Nate suddenly gets a flash of the house fire, followed by another of Brenda being willing to "do so much more" for the Nathaniel on her ass. Despite his concerns, however, he doesn't have any problem with continuing the sex. See, it does solve some things.
Formaldehyde Fortress. Ruth wanders about alone, and then Claire comes home. "May I ask you something?" says Mom. "And you'll promise to tell the truth?" Claire isn't sure if she wants to play this game, but when Mom asks if she lit the fire or not, Claire denies it nicely, even admitting that she "may have swiped the foot." As they share a tender mother-daughter moment (or is that tonight's episode?), we fade to white. Again. The end. Finally.
But before we go, straight from the home office in San Juan, Puerto Rico, here's today's top twelve:
The Top Twelve Signs Your Date Is A Freak
12. You met on the plane and had sex at the airport. This, however, is not necessarily a bad thing.
11. Has the name "Nathaniel" tattooed on their ass. This is bad whether your name actually is Nathaniel or not.
10. Wanders around the house, bitching about Backdraft and singing a tuneless, off-key nineties medley of "Firestarter," "Living La Vida Loca," and "Oops, I Did It Again."
9. They've posted in Off-Topic Blather's porno thread but remain conspicuously absent from the "Your First Time" thread.
8. Two candles = romantic. Ten candles = a nice light to read by. Two hundred candles = a freak who collects matchbooks.