"Woke up in the middle of the night and you weren't there," Keith "Security Tard" Charles tells David "David Fisher" Fisher. "You were out here watching television again." They're sitting on the living-room couch eating cereal. Man, when Keith chews, his head is like a living biology lesson. His whole head gets involved with that shit. You can practically see his brain sending his taste bud receptors the message that he enjoys crunchy flakes and just a touch of golden honey. David tells Keith that he was using his time wisely, explaining, "I watched Jaws 3." No, David. You watched Jaws 3-D, the 1983 genre-busting misfire in the ilk of "Smell-o-Vision" or "movies about talking babies" that pretty much ended the 3-D craze and early-'80s promotional push when you'd get those half-red, half-blue glasses at 7-11 for free with a purchase of ANYTHING. Also? Sidebar? Jaws 3-D was directed by visionary failure Joe Alves. Whose previous credits involve work on a movie entitled Sarge. Which is good that I provided a segue into the next topic, because they certainly didn't do it for me. David starts it off: "I am so glad we're not doing that whole open-relationship thing anymore." Keith agrees that he is too, but David asks him in fourteen different ways if he really is happy about it. Here's one of them: "You're not just saying that because I'm glad?" Keith chews and thinks and thinks and chews and burns so many calories on account of his chewing that it's no wonder he's so built because the more he eats, the more he burns. Keith taps the spoon on the bottom the bowl and his biceps bulge until each arm is the size of an average teenager. He thinks and his brain gets bigger. He speaks: "David, I have to come clean with you about something. I had sex with someone after we decided not to sleep with anyone outside the relationship." David asks him who it was, casually asking if it was Javier because one line of dialogue before he's threatened by women, the show needs to go out of its way to prove how not threatened David is by men. Keith: "Celeste." David laughs and calls bullshit, noting, "Celeste is a woman. Isn't she?" But it's the fact that she's not quite a boy (not yet a woman) that seems to be touching a nerve with David, as he continues on, "You haven't secretly decided to switch teams, have you?" Keith tries to brush off the whole thing by promising David that it was "an accident," which he meets with the rejoinder, "You were walking by and you just happened to fall into her vagina?" Yeah, that seems like a pretty fair representation of how gay men picture a woman's reproductive system. I know he was engaged for two years and all that, but let's just say I went to two proms with the same girl and still think the scenario David described could happen. And then we'll move on. David offers a simple "Wow, but okay," and I worry for a minute that David might be the one switching teams, because if she's really as much of a gay icon as they've been making her out to be, I'd imagine David would want many more details than that.
Six Feet Under
Episode Report CardDjb: B- | 485 USERS: C+
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Six Feet Under