Six Feet Under
Grinding The Corn

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Once Upon A Time In Mexico

Our first close-up glimpse of almost-dead guy shows us a man with terrible hair, enormous black-framed glasses -- which must have led to quite a debate among the production staff as to whether it would have been more or less realistic to have added a piece of masking tape around the middle or if that would have been too Meatballs of them -- and an open flannel shirt that his cooler, well-meaning cousin bought for him from Aeropostale in 1992. "Wanna know what you could sell that would pay for rent for, like, the next three months?" Norbert asks. Just do the vintage comic-book thing. We know you're on your way there anyway. Spare us the drama if you have any decency at all and let's get The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Norbert out of the way already. "Blue Twister. 1941, Issue #1." But Glenn Shadix won't have any of it, responding with conviction, "No fucking way. Can't do it." Norbert plot-develops that "it's worth three grand, easy," but Dead Man Climbing takes this moment to grab onto a rickety bookshelf and start feeling around on the top shelf. An aerial shot reveals that the aforementioned "Blue Twister" sits on the very top of the bookcase, and Dead Guy announces, "I'm never selling it. In fact, I'm gonna be buried with it. It's in my will." Look out, Fallout Boy! Just as he says that line, the bookshelf gives way and collapses on top of him. He lets out a gasp of air and dies, and we fade to white to discover that Lawrence Tuttle made it from 1969-2004 without so much as one feel of a lady's soft bosom. As the character that launched a thousand tired imitators whose existence is owed to conversations such as that one might say: Worst. Death. Ever.

Rico "An Affair To Remember" Diaz sits at the Fisher kitchen table slurping Apology-Os out off of his spoon of sadness. He looks up to find George "There Go The Brides" Sibley staring down his nose (roughly a distance of sixteen miles) at him. George picks up his newspaper and begins reading earnestly from the Stuff No One Cares About (in my house, that section is helpfully labeled "Automobiles") section, but is soon interrupted by the entrance of Nate "Hair Of The Dog" Fisher. Nate offers an unusually chipper, "Mornin', fellas!" because he can only be happy when other people are sad, in an emotionally parasitic fashion that George could probably describe in terms of the actual parasite Nate resembles, right down to its thorax. Nate asks Rico if he had a "rough night," and Rico responds, "A little rough. I miss sleeping in my own bed. I miss the boys. I miss Vanessa." Yeah, but how was the blowjob? No one on this show ever focuses on the positive. And at least you don't have the dreaded lupus. On the other side of the table, George feels fine, just fine, juxtaposing, "Not me. Slept like a baby." I'm sure there was a ton in common between sleeping George and a sleeping child. Ssssssh! They're so cute when they're only thrice-divorced! Nate explains that he "dropped Maya off over at Bettina's with Mom," so I guess Patricia Clarkson had a shooting schedule for a twee movie about love and talking about maybe New Jersey that precluded her from living in her own house this week. George asks how she is, and Nate enters in his own name on the "Name Of Fisher Girl Not In Room" on his Mad Libs entitled, "Fisher Women: Can't Live With 'Em." He answers, "Maya's fine. If you want to know how my mother is, she suggested that you call her and ask her yourself." And again, I'm torn. Because on the one hand, this really is a pretty desperate ploy to grab some attention from the emotionally distant man you thought you could trust enough to marry. But, on the other hand, George's craggy face is too long by half. So they both have their credits and debits, is all I'm saying. And, by the way, Maya is not fine. That girl was never right to begin with.

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