Alan Ball: The lawnmower? Oh, come on. That's going too far. Not everything is about you, you know.
Aaron: Yeah, I know. Everything is about Nate, remember?
Alan Ball: Oh, yeah.
Okay. Here we go. It's taken me fifteen pages to get this far, and it may take me fifteen more just to recap this next scene. But it's the one we've all been waiting for, so I want to make sure I do it justice. We start with Nate and Brenda out on her front porch, smoking a joint in broad daylight and yammering about ATM machines. Okay, first of all, smoking pot in public like that may not be the best idea even under ideal circumstances, but given what happened last time Brenda was doing that on the porch, don't you think she might not be too eager to repeat the experience with Nate around? Oh, wait. She wants to get caught. Never mind. Or perhaps I should say, "Oh, wait. The writers want us to hate her. Never mind." Either way, the effect is the same. Barely a minute goes by before Buttfuck rides up on his bicycle, prompting Nate to ask Brenda if she knows him. She claims to have only "seen him around," but Buttfuck quickly comes over to introduce himself and beg for a hit off the joint. Nate hands it over, and Buttfuck coughs like a fiend when he takes a drag. Heh. Newbie. "Whoa. This is the kind kind," he stammers between hacks. Of course it is, Buttfuck. Only the best for Alan Ball, my friend. There's some conversation about the trials and tribulations involved with purchasing pot, and then Buttfuck finally decides to take off. As he rides away, Nate spots his yin-yang baseball cap and hears him say, "Late," and the gears in that giant, rectangular head of his suddenly start to turn.
He races back into the bedroom, Brenda chasing after him, and quickly grabs her computer off the bed. "Turn it on!" he demands. "Fiction my ass. So everything you've written in here you've actually done?" Brenda frantically tries to grab the laptop out of his hands, insisting that its contents are "private." I'd mock her for leaving her "private" thoughts out on the table where everyone can see them, but I'm too busy counting "fucks" in the scene to bother. In case you were curious, there were twenty-five. In less than six minutes, no less. There were also six "shits," three "damns," and one "cunt from hell." That so has to be some kind of a record. The real screaming starts in earnest at this point, as they argue back and forth about all the crappy things they've done to each other. Brenda chews him out for impregnating Lisa and lying about his seizures, and also proves that she reads our forums by reminding Nate that she slept with him in an airport broom closet less than an hour after they met. Nate, on the other hand, asks if she's slept with Billy, and wonders why she didn't just break up with him if this is how she felt. It all touches on just about every aspect of their relationship, and I'd have to throw in about three hundred hyperlinks to previous recaps for you to fully appreciate the depth of the dialogue, so I'm not even going to try to transcribe it. Basically, their viewpoints can be boiled down to two simple lines. Brenda: "Nate, you created another human being…a person who might have a totally miserable fucking life and curse the fucking day she was born, because you're walking out on her the same way you're going to walk out on me." Nate: "Life doesn't have to be miserable just because you are. Oh, yeah, I know. 'Weird' shit happened to you, but you know what? It happened to all of us, and I am sick to death of you using it as an excuse to act like a cunt from hell." Amen, brother. Gee, do you think I might be a bit biased here? I just can't help it. The fact is, Nate may be a complete fuck-up, but at least he means well, and up until now he's always been willing to accept Brenda for who she is. Brenda, meanwhile, does bad things intentionally, and has rarely ever displayed anything but the overwhelming self-righteousness that's paradoxically only found in those with incredibly low self-esteem. Sure, she hates herself, which means it was utterly inevitable that she would come to hate Nate as well, but that's still no excuse for her behavior. Everyone hates themselves sometimes. It doesn't mean you get be an asshole.