Six Feet Under
I'll Take You

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Aaron: A | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Dia De La Muerta

Alan Ball: [Sigh.] I can't help that. The grow lights for my marijuana plants give off a lot of ozone.

After I finally manage to pry my fingers off the rewind button, we find Ruth and Nikolai in line at a movie theater. Because spending four nights a week together just isn't enough, Ruth now wants the two of them to go bicycling through Vietnam. In 2003. Now THAT'S being clingy. Also, can you picture Ruth in Vietnam? I'm not even sure she's ever been out of the Valley, much less all the way to Southeast Asia. They finally make it to the front of the line, and because spending four nights a week together and bicycling through Vietnam (in 2003) just isn't enough, Ruth also wants to make him sit through Murder by Numbers. Which is quite possibly the worst movie ever made. And I'm not kidding about that, either. I got suckered into paying to see that crap, and I was actually tempted to get up and complain that the projectionist must have skipped a reel somewhere, because nothing in the entire movie made any sense. Incidentally, is there anyone in Hollywood who picks worse scripts than Sandra Bullock? Oh, wait. David Caruso. Never mind. At long last, Nikolai manages to show that his spine wasn't shattered along with his legs, and he insists on seeing Blade II instead. Not that Wesley Snipes is much of an improvement, mind you, but it's still good to see Nikolai standing up for himself. We get a clever shot of them entering their separate theaters, and then the scene ends.

So am I the only one who's noticed that since Kathy Bates isn't directing as much anymore, the Chenowiths have had to find a different house? I told you that place was hers. Anyway, their new home is filled with friends and family, as the commitment ceremony takes place on the floor in front of the fireplace. ["Now the house was full of men and women; and all the lords of the Philistines were there." --Judges 16:27] Hey, is that Lulu Smigel in the background? Hi, Lulu! Glad you could make it! Once the vows have been exchanged, everyone applauds the happy couple, although Billy does so with notably more joy than his sister.

At a commitment ceremony of a very different kind, David, Keith, and Taylor are meeting with the social worker. Despite the fact that my TiVo's Smell-O-Vision feature isn't configured to reproduce the odor of Fritos, I'm just going to assume by the lack of coughing that this is a different guy from the one Taylor described. He doesn't seem too friendly, and in fact appears to be more bored than anything else as he runs down his list of questions. He also gets up and checks out the apartment, making sure to peruse the Esquire book that Keith was so worried about before. He wraps things up by asking to speak with both of their supervisors, and David quickly explains that he owns his own business, although he does fail to specify exactly what that business is. "And, as my own supervisor," he adds, "I'd like to say that David Fisher is a great person and great to work with." Heh. I love Michael C. Hall. The social worker does not, however, and the joke falls flatter than Chloe Yorkin's face. David and Keith look tense with the knowledge that things aren't going well, at least until the social worker stops on his way out to ask where they bought their coffee table. "Restoration Hardware," replies Keith, in what is klearly a shout-out to Gustave. "God don't you just love that store? I swear I could live there," says the social worker, as the lightness of his loafers carries him straight out the door. Taylor sums it all up for us, claiming that "that man was totally gay," much to the amusement of Keith, David, and the entire viewing audience.

Movie theater. Ruth sits alone, watching her crap-ass Sandra Bullock flick. They never actually show the screen, but I can still identify the scene from the dialogue, and I'm experiencing a severe case of drowsiness by proxy. It's the one where the cops try to turn the kid who wants to be Brad Pitt but isn't against his partner, who wants to be Leonardo DiCaprio but isn't. Ruth is obviously just as disgusted with the whole thing as I am, because she gets up and walks out of the theater so she can loop around to where Blade II is playing. She finds a seat next to Nikolai, and ignores the clanging swordfight sound effects as she lets loose a major blurt: "Nikolai, you don't really love me, I know that. The only reason you're staying with me is that you feel obligated to, and that's not fair to either one of us. So I'm breaking up with you right now, okay?" Nikolai's response is the same as it's been for the entire episode, namely a shrug and a simple "okay." Ruth cries a bit as she sadly walks back into her own theater.

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Six Feet Under

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