Fade back up on Nate, as he lies awake in bed. And by the way, lying awake in bed has totally become the new massage. In fact, I'll be writing the words "lies awake in bed" this week almost as many times as I write the word "fuck." And that's saying quite a bit, considering that our Fk Coefficient is already up to 16. That's an absolutely astounding 4.57 FPM (Fucks Per Minute), people. I smell a world record. After a brief moment, Nate hops out of bed, pulls on some clothes, gives Maya a quick check to make sure she's sleeping, and then heads out into the street for a midnight cigarette. Hmm. Don't mind if I do. Flick, ahh. Nate paces around out there, enduring yet another angry Lisa flashback (Fk = 17), and quite frankly, I don't even know where to begin describing his hair at this point. If you added up all times Austin Powers has ever said the word "shag," it still wouldn't be shaggy enough to describe the shagadelic shaggy shag carpet that's transformed the Rectangle Head into something more closely resembling an Amazon rain forest than an actual human cranium. Perhaps sensing the inevitable encroachment of land developers and clear-cutting cattle ranchers, Nate angrily grinds out his cigarette and goes running off into the night. You know, because cigarettes totally make people want to engage in strenuous aerobic activity. Cough. Hack. Heave.
Cut to Claire, lying awake in bed. Through an open window, she hears Maya crying, and we head over to Schrödinger's Flat to find the entire Fisher family (plus George) there taking care of the baby. Despite the fact that it's 4 in the morning, both Maya's parents are gone, and she's being held by a strange man who smells vaguely of pigs and tachyons, Maya remains resolutely silent. It's a little bit frightening, but I think I'm actually starting to be able to tell the Tosh twins apart. The one with the slightly smaller head likes to hold hands. The one with the bigger head likes to smile a lot. I just hope they remember me when they start making that Mary-Kate and Ashley money. David indulges his inner neat freak by starting to clean up the beer bottles which are strewn everywhere around the apartment, and Claire quietly worries that her brother might be becoming a "total alkie." "Sometimes he goes outside to smoke," she adds. "He paces underneath my window. He talks to himself. Seriously, like whole conversations." Shout-out? And if so, there's nothing wrong with talking to yourself. Sometimes it's the only way to get an intelligent response. Suddenly, Nate appears in the doorway, demanding to know why everyone is in his apartment. Ruth, in turn, demands to know what was so important that Nate would leave a baby alone in the middle of the night. "I was having a cigarette," he replies. "In Pomona?" wonders David. Heh. Incidentally, it's 63.4 degrees and slightly hazy in Pomona right now. I just thought you should know. Ruth reluctantly returns Maya to her father, who is not only unrepentant but also somewhat unnecessarily snarky. "Are you living here now?" Nate asks George, who hands over Maya's blanky. George takes the snide in stride, and calmly declares that he's making a big pot of coffee, and that he and Ruth would like to see the entire family down in the kitchen for an important announcement. I'm declaring right now that if the announcement is about the value and durability of Makita cordless drills, then I'm quitting this recap in protest.