Six Feet Under
In Case Of Rapture

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Oh, Crap!

Rico "Five Hail Marys And Two Hello Dollys" Diaz deals with the officially godforsaken face of Corpse Sheedy as Nate and David bust in fighting about how one is supposed to mourn. Nate thinks he's got the market cornered on sadness because he knows what it feels like to lose a spouse. Whereas David thinks the basement of Fisher and Diaz would look better if it were feng shuied with the decoration of him getting a blowjob. Rico tries to argue with Nate's contention that Mr. Sheedy needs to "really, really feel" in platitude-ing, "Maybe the man has faith." Nate doesn't buy it, counter-arguing that faith in God is all a big load of crap, adding that you have to go through each agonizing stage of grief in order to "honor what the person actually meant to you." And for someone without a sustaining faith, Nate is obviously playing a religious role of some kind in all this. After all, every religion needs its martyr.

Keith sits in a cushy leather chair in a cushy leather office with two other men. A sign on the wall reads "Safeguard Protection Agency." The man at the head of the table is conducting an interview with Keith from the interview playbook, stopping just short of asking him what kind of fruit he'd be if he could be any kind of fruit at all because, well, we already know the answer to that, I think. Oh! Rimshot! Sorry. That was completely unacceptable. I completely win every award at The Oscars of Homophobia. And here I was, just happy to be nominated! The man asks Keith why he left the LAPD, and his partner far more animatedly asks if Keith ever killed anyone in the line of duty. Yes. Yes, he did. The primary interviewer explains that it doesn't matter if Keith has put "some asshole in the hospital for beating his wife," because here at Safeguard Protection Agency their focus is on "strictly high-end clientele. Mostly high-profile people in the music and entertainment industry. We've handled M.J. Both M.J.s, actually." Keith deduces that this means they've watched out for the interests of both Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan, and the sidekick-y guy notes that "Mick Jagger is an M.J." Yes, but the Hell's Angels usually have their backs on tour, and look at how well that's had the reputation of working out. Interviewer Man (I know! The nickname roulette wheel is just spinning out inspiration tonight!) schools Keith that their job isn't to put their hands on anyone in the line of duty, but rather "to defuse the situation before it becomes a situation." He dismisses Keith, who quickly offers a speech to the effect that he's a hard worker and they won't be sorry if they hire him. And, standing up, Keith promptly sees to it that he knocks over a nearby bottle of water onto the conference table. Uh-oh. Hope that thing's not Persian.

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