Judd Nelson: Why not?
Andrew McCarthy: Marriage is a concept invented by people who were lucky to make it to twenty without being eaten by dinosaurs. Marriage is extinct.
Judd Nelson: Dinosaurs are extinct. Marriage is still around.
Andrew McCarthy: Yeah, but I bet no one ever saw a brontosaurus giving out hand-jobs to random velociraptors.
Judd Nelson: Clearly you've never seen Jurassic Pork. Or Robert Downey Jr. in Less Than Zero, for that matter.
Nikolai heads back into the kitchen to comfort Ruth, and he doesn't understand why she's not happier about Nate's engagement. She cries a bit, and he gives her a big bear hug and offers to help her clean up. You go, Nikolai! Back at the table, Sarah is babbling about all the emotion in the house, and offering Vicodin to anyone who wants it. Sign me up, baby. Claire asks what the deal with Topanga Canyon is, and Sarah is surprised that no one ever told her. Nate steps up with an explanation: "David and I went to stay with Aunt Sarah one weekend, and I kind of lost my virginity." That's wasn't the problem, however. The problem was that Nate was fifteen and the girl was thirty-two. "Oh my God, that's totally fucked up!" laughs Claire, although I don't think it's anywhere near as fucked up as losing your virginity to someone named Bobo. "Your mother has never forgiven me," chimes in Aunt Sarah, "and she never will, no matter what she says. Granted, there was an awful moment when David was lost, but he was found completely unharmed in the canyon the next morning." For some reason, David smiles giddily at this recollection, and now I really want to know what he was up to that night. "Damn," sighs Claire, "I miss out on all the best stuff in this family." I don’t know if I'd complain too much about that, Claire. I mean, you've still got both your legs.
Afterwards, Nate walks Brenda out and listens while she whines about how much Ruth hates her. "Oh well," sighs Brenda as she heads out the door. "We've got a whole lifetime of tense and uncomfortable family gatherings to look forward to." And my parents wonder why I'm not married.
Up in the Lawyer-Loving Loft, David returns to his room to find the phone ringing. It's the Little White Sex Dork, and he immediately asks David if he's drunk. "YES!" replies David. "My mother's boyfriend kept pouring wodkuh, and I'm going have such a fucking headache tomorrow." LWSD is somewhat hurt that Mom's boyfriend got invited and he didn't, so David is forced to tell a little white sex lie, saying, "Uh, I knew it would be excruciating and I wanted to spare you." Nice save, David. Not. LWSD invites David over to his place, to which David replies, "I'm too drunk. I shouldn't drive." Then The Dork invites himself over to David's house, to which David replies, "I'm too drunk. I shouldn't drive." I can't decide whether that merits a "heh" or an "ew," so I'll compromise and give it a "hew." There's some cutesy conversation, and they finally hang up. For the record, David has the exact same phone I do.