Brodie the Boyfriend steps up to the podium to speak about his now-dead girlfriend. After announcing that he wrote something just for her, he puts one finger up to his ear, and bursts into song. And yet again, I'm forced to transcribe it verbatim, because it's just too good to miss a word:
Tiny Venus, your breath like baby rabbits on a field abuzz with bees and life
Little did you know how briefly the sun would shine upon your own private utopia
Your candle may have been blown out, but you hang in the air
Bwa ha ha ha! I was going to include an MP3 here so that those of you without cable could understand the true hilarity of this song, but apparently that's some sort of copyright violation, and Lauren's lawyers take those things very seriously. So, sorry. You'll just have to trust me. Again. Or get cable, which you should have done ten years ago anyway.
Cut to the Body Shop, where Claire catches Gabe looking guilty. "It was a stupid idea for me to come to a funeral for fun," he says, in what may well qualify as one of The Top Twelve "Duh" Lines Of All Time. Claire tries to console him, but he gets all angry, screaming, "I'm not a pet! I'm not your pet!" before stalking out of the room. Claire is left alone, looking sad and almost to the point of crying. Aww. Poor Lauren. Don't cry, sweetie. It makes me so sad to see her like this. Wow. I guess I really am a stalker. ["When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews also weeping which came with her, he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled." -- John 11:33] Also, when is she going to learn that whenever Gabe starts acting like a bad boy, it's usually because he's really just been a bad boy? Well, actually, judging from the previews, she'll probably be learning that next week.
Back upstairs, Rico fights with his sister-in-law over who is going to pay for the funeral. Apparently, Boyfriend Brodie is trying to, uh, stiff them, and Rico wants Angelica to make up the difference. Angelica flat-out refuses, and lets slip that she already gave Rico's wife $500 to buy groceries. Furious, Rico storms off to call his wife, swearing in Spanish all the while.
And, in the ultimate "Ew!" scene of the week, Lauren now walks in on Brodie and some friends snorting up Li'l Miss Slash 'n' Sniff's ashes like cocaine. Okay, so it's an "Ew," but it's also a "heh," so I'll let it slide this time. Claire goes off on them, which forces Nate to intervene and remind her that paying customers get to snort whatever they want at the funeral.