Six Feet Under
It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

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Zed's Dead, Baby. Zed's Dead.

Rico's House of Homoerotic Home Repair. Vanessa is criticizing Rico's attempts at fixing their wall himself now that he's fired Ramon. Shut up, Vanessa. After she repeatedly accuses him of being jealous of his cousin's spackling skills, Rico finally breaks down and admits the real reason he sent Ramon packing. You know what? I'll care more about this plotline later, when it actually gets interesting.

Across town at a mall, Claire poses the eternal question, "If you were a gay mortician, what would you want for Christmas?" Now Toby may be loser, but even he knows the answer to that one: "A new life." They wander past the display area where Santa usually sits, which today is marked with a "closed" sign. Hee. That was pretty funny for a throwaway gag. As they continue to wander, they exchange stories about what Christmas is like in their respective families. Claire's involves "the smell of death and people crying," whereas Toby spends the holiday season "celebrating the winter solstice by watching [his] father play the recorder while [his] mother dances around a bonfire singing hymns to Gaia the Earth Goddess." They finally find a seat on a bench, and Claire tentatively asks The Loser to come to Christmas dinner. She also mentions that the whole thing was her mother's idea, because "ever since [Claire's] last boyfriend tried to kill himself, robbed a store, and shot a guy before disappearing off the face of the Earth, [her mom] wants to meet everyone [she] dates." Man, I know what that's like. My parents once grounded me for a month because my girlfriend got a speeding ticket. Toby says he'd be happy to come to dinner.

Back at the Fortress, Nate and David are bickering over the relative merits of accepting a biker funeral. Behind them we can see the Widow DJ and a couple of guys in leather checking out the coffin wall. David says that line from the previews about how much he loves biker funerals, and I'm sort of disappointed to learn that it's only because bikers tend to be rich and spend a lot of money on these things. I was sort of hoping David's penchant for learning about life from various dead gang members would be on display again this week.

Anyway, the brothers walk over, and Michael C. Hall switches his face into "professionally detached compassion" mode as he introduces himself. We learn that the Widow DJ is accompanied by "Pete" (a friend of the deceased), and also the Widow's brother "Bitsy." "As in 'itsy,'" says Bitsy, who if I'm remembering correctly was last seen on HBO as a football player in First & Ten. Pete runs off a list of requirements for the funeral, starting with the fact that the casket has to be made of steel. David points out that the "Camry" model is stainless steel, but Pete thinks that sounds foreign (And get it? Camry? Toyota? Never mind). After being assured that it's made right here in America (just like the Toyota Camry, for that matter), he also demands that the casket be airbrushed in midnight purple with orange flames, just like the DGDJ's Harley. "That is one hell of a bike," exclaims Nate, as he studies the picture Pete hands over. Pete also hands them a picture of the Widow DJ, which he wants printed on the inside of the coffin, "so she's looking down on him for all eternity." "That was Jesse's favorite picture of me," she says while both Nate and David examine it and raise their eyebrows in surprise. "I was Hustler's Beaver Hunt, April of '86." Heh. "That's uh...a very nice picture of you," manages Nate. Pete also adds in that they'll be needing a keg of Bud and a few cases of Jack in order to put on "one big-ass Christmas Day funeral." Nate tries to explain that Christmas is the only day the funeral home is closed, but Pete quickly offers to pay whatever it takes. "A big-ass Christmas Day funeral it is," snots David, who's laying on the money-grubbing thing a little thick here so we'll get the contrast with The Late Nate later on.

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