David Chase: I know. Can you believe it?
Alan Ball: At least this is his last recap. Nineteen more pages, and then we won’t have to hear from him until next season.
Back in Brenda’s Bad Backdrop Bronco, Brenda is asking Nate if he’s ever thought about getting married, which, for reasons that will become clear in a moment, makes this the perfect time for me to take a little digression. As you know, with SFU off until March and The Sopranos off until the next ice age, I’m scheduled to become an unrestricted free agent at the end of the season here. Because ownership has deemed my eminently reasonable salary demands "outrageous and exorbitant" (and while I can understand why the insurance company nixed my flying the corporate jet, I still don’t get how management can think that no one could ever possibly need a luxury skybox from which to watch their show), the site’s original plan was to trade me to the WB Scoop for three recapping prospects and some cash. But (for obvious reasons), that deal fell through, and after several weeks of intense negotiations between my agent and MBTV GM and Director of Recap Operations Sars, I’m pleased to announce the signing of a new, ten-episode, $253-million-dollar contract to recap The Mind of the Married Man right here on HBO Sunday Nights where I belong. The deal grants me a reduced half-hour workload and special no-commercials/no-repeats bonus clauses, and in exchange I’ve agreed to finish the recaps sometime earlier than ten minutes before the next show starts. Or two weeks after the last one, for that matter. Anyway, the point is, I’ll be seeing you all right back here in a few weeks, and this time, if we’re lucky, the show really will suck. I mean, do we really need a Dream On for the new millennium? Then again, who would have thought that "Marry me, Lauren" would be the "Get out. Now" for this new season?
So where were we again? Oh yeah. The Bad Backdrop Bronco. Brenda asks Nate if he’s ever thought about getting married. Nate not very convincingly says that he has, but also points out that they’ve only been dating for six months. "Oh, I didn’t realize you were counting the days," snarks Brenda. "Do you mark them off at night like a prisoner in his cell? Like the Count of fucking Monte Cristo?" Nate wants to know why she’s suddenly so interested in getting married, and then Brenda digs in even deeper by mentioning that she might want children as well. When Nate seems a little flustered by all this, Brenda forces him to admit that this has been his longest relationship ever. "Oh, and what about you?" he counters angrily. "Do you know how many guys would have fucking skipped out on you after all the psycho shit you’ve put me through?" Well, I certainly know I would have. They rehash the whole "you want to bail/no, you want me to bail" thing yet again, but this time they’re interrupted when Nate grabs the steering wheel to swerve away from the cheesy-looking truck that’s barreling down on them. The Bronco screeches across the highway and smashes into a parked car as the truck skids to a stop. Dun DUN dun!