Oh, wait. That is me. In so many ways. And this is a perfect time to answer the other most commonly asked question I get in my hate mail, which is: "Why do you write the recaps if you hate the show so much?" Well, first of all, I'm getting paid. You people all have to watch for free. In fact, you actually have to spend money to watch, whereas I can claim it all as a tax deduction. Secondly, the shocking truth is that I actually don't hate the show. In fact, I quite like it. Sure, things were a little uneven at first, but you need look no further than beginnings of Buffy to realize that shows sometimes need time to find their legs. If I say mean things, it's only because no show is perfect, and the flaws stand out more in contrast to the quality. Or it's because I just think they're funny. Either way, with the writers coming back to start work on season two this week, I've absolutely no doubt whatsoever that Rick Cleveland is already planning to kill two birds with one stone by penning a script wherein a big fat smelly guy named Aaron dies a horrific and humiliating death. I'll be looking for that one next spring.
As is his wont, the Ironic Segue Fairy now cuts us straight from high drama to hijinks. Ruth is working at the flower shop, where a greasy-haired young man is wondering if "roses are for when you love somebody." Who asks questions that stupid? I mean, I couldn't tell a maple from a marigold with a gun to my head, but even I know that one. Ruth agrees that roses are the classic choice, especially after she hears that Grease Boy is planning to marry his ostensible Sandra Dee. "What if she turned out to be a cheating coward and ran off with some shithead she met in traffic school?" he asks. "What color would you give a coward?" Instead of her usual grumbling about foul language, Ruth simply suggests yellow. Grease Boy cheerfully orders twelve dozen yellow roses, and hands over the address they're being sent to. "What would you like the card to say?" asks Ruth, and "Fuck you, cunt" is the emphatic reply. Heh. Frances Conroy brings the house down by sliding the blank card across the counter and stammering, "I think it would be more personal if you wrote that."
But wait! There's more! The hijinks continue as Ruth heads out back to ask Nikolai The Flower Guy if she can have the weekend off. She claims she forgot that she had plans with a friend, but Nikolai isn't stupid. "Is it with that man?" he asks. "The one with the funny little car that picks you up?" At this point, I started giggling, but I figured there was no way they were going to go there. But then Ruth replies, "It's an electric car, and it's very good for the environment." Bwah! I take back everything I've ever said about casting Ed Begley Jr. This one scene made it all worthwhile. Of course, after the "big cock" and buttock incident, Gustave may disagree, but that's his problem, not mine. Anyway, Nikolai My New Favorite Guy starts laughing right along with me, which angers Ruth. "Why are you laughing?" she asks. "Because you are not," he replies. Oh, but we are. We totally are. He gives her the days off; then, as she's leaving, he pantomimes holding a tiny steering wheel and honking a tiny, non-nucleo-electric horn. "Beep beep!" Heh. Heh.