We return to The Fortress just as the movie is ending. Joan Baez croons a subtextually relevant ballad over the closing credits, and both Arthur and Ruth sit there in silence, not wanting the moment to end. Finally, Arthur reaches out to hit "stop" on the remote control, and (hee!) a highly explicit porno flick just happens to be playing on the channel they left the TV on. There's no way I can ever do justice to their expressions here, so I'm not even going to try. Just know that it was really fucking funny. Fade to white.
The next morning, Lisa is tending the dying fire as Dana stumbles out of the cabin wrapped in a blanket. "Wouldn't it be cool to live totally off the land," gushes Lisa, as she places a large, pre-built metal grill over the fire. "Not that cool," replies Dana. "I'm getting my 'I need Starbucks' headache." Heh. Nate and Todd, meanwhile, are out gathering wood while Nate rants about all the crazy women he's dated. "Needy attention-suckers, artists-slash-writers-slash-psychos, always this whole drama thing where if I say something she might take it the wrong way. It's like I'm walking through this minefield of her childhood. Like there should be a sign, you know, 'Caution: Unexploded Daddy Issues.'" I'm not sure whether I should be happy that Nate and I have the same taste in women, or worried that this might mean I'll end up married to someone like Lisa. "This is probably the first adult relationship of my life," he adds, in reference to his wife. "I don't know," sighs Todd. "Ours is more like we can't keep our hands off each other. She just loves to bang."
"Sometimes I feel like when we're having sex he secretly hates me," grumbles Lisa, as the Ironic Segue Fairy leads a nature hike back to the campsite. "I know it's stupid, but I really feel like that sometimes." Oh, it's not stupid, Lisa. In fact, we all hate you, and we're not even having excessively polite chipmunk sex with you. Dana plays the dutiful friend and denies that such a thing could even be possible, and this leads Lisa to confess that the real problem is that she hasn't been able to have an orgasm since Maya was born. "Could childbirth have reorganized me in some way?" she wonders. And when you consider the size of Maya the Leviathan's head, that's really not all that dumb of a question. Nate would have to be hung like a Clydesdale to compete with that. Um, yeah. I'll just take a quick break here while you all go and rinse your eyes out with battery acid after that one. "Please don't tell me you're faking it," demands an incredulous Dana. "Of course not," replies Lisa, before reversing herself. "Okay, maybe I do exaggerate here and there. Sometimes I also like to fantasize that there are hundreds of fat, naked Armenian men watching us do it. That usually helps a little." That joke, by the way, makes a lot more sense if you clicked on the "Courteney Cox" link back on the first page.