Six Feet Under
Out, Out, Brief Candle

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Aaron: B- | Grade It Now!
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Dead Man Running

Down in the Body Shop, Nate is wheeling in Actually Dead Black Guy's body on a stretcher. Instead of putting some clothes on him so that I can switch to the "Number 22," nickname, however, he wheels Actually Dead Black Guy straight into the freezer. Or at least he tries to, before being interrupted by the sounds of sobbing. No, it's not me crying for the loss of Nate's stubble, but rather Actually Dead Black Guy, bemoaning the metaphysical unfairness of his own death. Nate looks majorly freaked out as he unzips the body bag to investigate, and I have to wonder how anyone on this show could still be surprised by the sound of a talking dead person at this point. It's not like it happens every week or something. Oh, wait. Never mind. Anyway, Nate's cell phone rings, and a nice lady from Applebee Caskets informs Nate that the Titan IV he just sold is no longer in production. "Oh son of a mother-fuck!" complains Nate, upon learning that the new version sells for two thousand dollars more than what he quoted to the clients. He promises to get back to her, and hangs up in disgust.

School. DangerSlut is complaining about life, like she always does, and also talking about some girl whose brother she slept with, also like she always does. Claire, meanwhile, just wonders where Gabe is. So, of course, we cut to Gabe, who's outside the school somewhere with one of his buddies. They're both worried that the cops have a copy of the convenience store security camera video in every school in L.A., and that arrests may be imminent. After we see some screaming and macho pushing and shoving, Claire calls on the cell to rudely remind Gabe of his more pressing social obligations. Back inside, however, it's now time for the show's second, more salient shout-out to my semi-stalkerific recap stylings. "You've got to act like you don't care," says DangerSlut. "[Lauren] hates it when you're all over [her]." Claire then compounds this message (and also racks up those owed apologizes) by mistakenly calling her friend "WonderSlut" instead of DangerSlut. And as if that wasn't enough, she further demonstrates her disdain for me by calling the suddenly-appearing Peanut Testicle "Squirrel Nut." Peanut, meanwhile, is somewhat sweaty and seriously dazed and disoriented, as he tells the girls that their "souls are on fire" and repeatedly tries to fondle the lovely Lauren's breasts. Is that really what she thinks I'm like? God, I hope not.

Finally hammering home this little scene's ultimate point, Lauren exclaims, "You are not on the list of people who get to touch my tits." And don't I know it. Heh. Although, to be perfectly honest, it's really not about her tits. My love for Lauren knows no physical boundaries. I would, however, like to thank Laurence Andries for once again rubbing in the lack of Lauren in my life. You're killing me here, Larry. And to think I actually liked Prey. Anyway, Peanut Testicle suddenly goes nuts, experiencing a serious case of the DTs. He starts screaming and tearing at his clothes before finally collapsing onto the hallway floor. While everyone but Claire just stands around and watches, Gabe suddenly comes running up to provide his own special brand of medical attention. "Stop this right now, you fucking bitch," he screams, "or I'll kick the shit out of you. Do you hear me?" Wow. He must have learned that one from Kiefer.

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Six Feet Under

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