Six Feet Under
Someone Else’s Eyes

Episode Report Card
admin: C+ | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
Dead as Folk? No. Dead as Fuck? Yes.

Faithful readers of this website have no doubt noticed by now that something a wee bit fishy has been going on with the episode scoring system. Apparently, some unknown asshole (though I'm sure his identity can be found in our ban logs) has taken it upon himself to flood each weekly poll with about three hundred "F" votes the instant the recap hits the homepage. Because of this, it's now incumbent upon us recappers to provide you with even more fair and precise episode grades ourselves, so that you can make intelligent decisions about whether or not to feel bad for having missed something (or possibly for having actually watched it). To that end, I've decided to abandon the rather simplistic "StC" method of episode grading, and switch to the formula displayed below. Incidentally, and before you all head over to the "Editorial Issues" thread, you should know that the only "F" I ever received during my almost eternal academic adventures was in college calculus. Twice, in fact.

∑ = √Δ BS / (POT * ∞)
        (Fk3n * (StC + π r2)) - ∫{f(6.02 * 1023)1+x} dx

Where:
BS   = n Brain shots in the episode
POT = n Times marijuana is smoked
Fk   = n Times the word fuck is used
and StC = Start to Corpse

I had to buy time on a Defense Department supercomputer to complete the final calculations, but as you can see over on your right, we ended up with a B-. That sounds about right, don't you think?

Anyway, we fade up this week on a construction site that's so fake-looking you can actually see the Elmer's glue still drying on the model they used. A pair of workers (whom we'll call Catshit Boy and Hysterectomy Man), sit down on a girder to enjoy their lunch. Catshit Boy complains about his recent loss of appetite, and Hysterectomy Man explains that it's likely a symptom of depression. "I've been reading up on it ever since my wife's hysterectomy," he says. "She's been real down in the dumps. Loss of appetite, loss of sex drive, feelings of hopelessness and despair…" Catshit Boy insists that he only suffers from the loss of appetite part, and blames it squarely on his wife's cooking, which resembles, well, cat shit. You know what's fun about these opening scenes? Playing "Guess How They're Going To Die." Since this one was written by Alan Ball himself, there's all sorts of subtle misdirection. Will they fall? Is his lunch poisoned? Does he have some sort of mysterious tropical illness? You should try to play along at home. It's fun. Especially since the only alternative is staring at the ridiculous "backdrop" "painting" of the Los Angeles skyline behind them. There's some additional banter about the relative wifely merits of a woman who cooks versus a woman who frequently consummates the marriage, and then Catshit Boy slams his cat shit sandwich back into his lunchbox. Before they can react, however, the lunchbox tumbles off the girder and smacks into the head of a random passerby, prompting Catshit Boy to close the scene with the following memorably expletive-filled exclamation: "Oh, fuck! Fuck me. Ah, this is fucked. Fucking fuck." Fucking farewell, Dwight Edgar Garrison. Your death was stupid and pointless, but at least you got to fuck Dina Meyer.

Which reminds me. As another fun game this week (and also as part of my important mathematical calculations), I'll be counting along with all of the "fucks" that are spoken in the episode. To make this fun for everyone, I've added a poll over on the right. See if you can correctly guess the number of times the word "fuck" (or any of its myriad variations) is used. No cheating, and the closest to the correct answer without going over wins. As a helpful hint, I'll tell you now that there have already been eight (EIGHT!) so far.

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Six Feet Under

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