Fading from the subtextual to the merely ridiculous, we next go to The Body Shoppe, where Bashful is pulling guard duty and warding off the ever-present "space forces" with the mighty power of a Simon & Garfunkel ballad. Oh, if only Mulder had known. Fade to white.
Fade back up on skinheads with paintball guns. I could make a joke here, but the image really speaks for itself, I think. David, The Ho-Buck, and the LWSD II make their way over to registration, discussing the "psychic footprints" Keith seems to be leaving all over David's back as they go. The Ho-Buck, by the way, is wearing tight jeans and an ascot. That image speaks for itself as well. "We'd like to play with the other gay children," he announces to the director. "So is there like a Sears around here anywhere? Maybe a nice JC Penney?" Thankfully, there isn't, so we cut straight into the next scene where their teams are being selected. Unfortunately, nobody wants to join up with David and his pals, because they're clearly "newbies" who are "stupid and weak, like kittens." That "nobody" obviously includes Keith, because he's purposely joined the opposing team and refuses to listen to David's pleas for him to make a switch. This prompts David to call a little sidebar, and the two head over for a quick private conversation wherein David discovers that gay paintball day is actually Keith's clever method of exacting retribution for his humiliation at the hands of "the leading ladies." "Welcome to MY party, baby," teases Keith. "Bitch, you set me up!" answers David. Heh. When the guy running the game realizes that no one wants to switch on their own, he dismisses one of Keith's friends and calls over a guy named "Sarge" to "even things up." For the record, Sarge looks exactly like what would have happened if Chris Meloni and Ron Livingston had ever met, fallen in love, and somehow found a way to produce offspring while confined in some godforsaken World War II-era prison camp. Now there's a lovely image for the ladies. And many of the men, as well.
Everyone is then given five minutes to scout out the playing field, but David and his friends end up using most of that time just ogling the Sarge with looks of barely concealed lust. All those people who later thought Keith forced David into that threesome should definitely take note of his expression here. Keith, on the other hand, uses his time to go all Colonel Kurtz on our collective ass as he squats in a rice paddy and smears orange paint all over his face. And then we're off, with the chorus kids pinned down behind a small wooden board as paint splatters all over the other side. The Ho-Buck wants to leave and go to Magic Mountain "like normal fags," but David is more interested in moving to some cover he's spotted a few meters away. "I can't do metric conversion in combat!" whines the LWSD II. Well, that's okay. I can't even do it in math class, so I wouldn't get too worried about it. I don't care what anyone says, the rest of the world is stupid. David insists that they move out, but the other two aren't interested, and continue cowering behind the board.
Claire, meanwhile, finds herself deep in enemy territory as she arrives at Olivier's house with Russell in tow. They giggle about their professor's shoddy housekeeping habits, and actually find themselves engaged in a brief debate about the differences between stale hummus and aged baba ghanoush. They're unable to reach any definitive conclusions before Olivier makes his grand entrance, however, and he fixes them with a smarmy stare as he announces, "You brought your shadow." "He's not my shadow," replies Claire. "Mine either," adds Foreshadowing, as he wipes a thick layer of grease from Russell's brow, thereby allowing us to notice that Russell seems to have thought Olivier might have been talking to him with that remark. Olivier blahs a bit about the ways in which Americans choose to name their towns, and then orders Claire to drive out to some tiny little village named Azusa ("Everything from A to Z in the USA") to pick up a sculpture from one of his former students. Then he wonders aloud about just what exactly it is that he's been eating all this time. "Taste this," he orders Russell, before shoving it into the boy's mouth without giving him a chance to say no. Wow. Propriety prevents me from making the obvious "I bet this isn't the first time that's happened" joke here, but I know you guys well enough to know that you're way ahead of me on that one anyway. Claire reluctantly accepts her assignment, but when she tries to bring Russell along with her, Olivier demands that he stay behind to help him "organize [his] monographs." So that's what the kids are calling it these days. "What would you do in Asuza anyhow?" he asks. "Um, fuck?" replies Claire, as I fire up another cold shower. She departs, leaving Olivier and Russell to stare awkwardly at each other. "I love her, too," confesses Olivier. Yep. That sounds about right. Everybody loves Lauren. Maybe she should move to Utah.