Six Feet Under
Tears, Bones And Desire

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Body Shots

Paintball. Just so you know, all of these scenes are accompanied by dramatic, military-sounding music and anything else the director can think of (short of the Saving Private Ryan shaky-cam) to make them seem more combative and exciting. It also serves to make the chorus kids (David excepted) seem that much more wussy by comparison. In any case, the first casualty of the afternoon turns out to be David, who gets hit in the ass by some friendly fire courtesy of The Ho-Buck. "Sorry!" shouts The LWSD II, as they all duck for cover behind a row of sandbags. "I thought you were enemy ass." Despite the possibility that he'll "be known as a wiper for the rest of [his] life," David decides to cheat and discard his paint-splattered jacket so that he can continue playing. Just then, one of the opposing team members bolts from cover to attack, and David actually manages to shoot the guy right in the forehead. We'll forget for a moment that Keith's friends are likely to be cops who would never do anything that stupid in combat, and instead just focus instead on the fact that David can quite clearly be seen NOT pulling the trigger in the shot where he's supposed to be firing. Oh, well. At least Keith shows up to save the day, as he stalks along the edge of the battlefield, hunting for prey. "Come on, you fa-la-la mimosa motherfuckers," he grunts. Heh. Sarge suddenly appears beside David and crew to rally the troops, and they're soon huddled around him to devise a plan. Sarge, by the way, thinks it's "cool" that David is a "wiper." He would.

Over at The Boredello, Lisa and Dana are spending a quiet afternoon pondering the finer points of stalking your husband's ex-girlfriend. Dana once spent $150 on the internet to research one of Todd's former paramours, and even though she never quite figured out why he loved her, she was able to obtain "the serial numbers on her breast implants." Ahh, the power of Google. Lisa is all in a tizzy because she feels like Nate is constantly comparing her to a woman she doesn't even know. "It's because I'm curious," she explains. "Not because I think Brenda's going to take Nate away from us." "Nate adores Maya," replies Dana. "He would never leave." Ooh, burn. Even Lisa caught that one. There's some more stalk-talk, and then Lisa admits that she knows where Brenda works. "Oh, wow," replies Dana, who looks like she knows that she's wandered into Crazyland here.

Fortunately, we're interrupted by a paintball scene before Dana is forced to emulate Nate and start gnawing at her own arm to get away. This one features The LWSD II and The Ho-Buck employing various devious methods to take out two of their opponents. The LWSD II feigns death and takes advantage of a gullible adversary who really should have known better. The Ho-Buck, however, chooses to verbally taunt his foe into submission by calling her "Agnes Moorehead," and a "flannel-shirt, mullet-head dyke," which, though rude, is actually fairly accurate. When she jumps out to attack, he nails her right in the mullet, causing her to bellow in anger that he's nothing but a "cocksucking pansy." "Now go away," he replies, "or I shall taunt you a second time."

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