Six Feet Under
The Black Forest

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Djb: C | 3 USERS: A-
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Sixty-Seven Weddings And Nine Funerals

Oh, there she is! Nate walks over to her and asks, "What are you doing, little monkey?" Memo to Nate: you're not supposed to say "little monkey" to kids who actually look like little monkeys. You call the cute kids "monkey" and you just glare coldly at the ugly kids in the vague hope that when they grow up they'll be really funny or really skinny. Man, it's like this guy has never even heard of good parenting.

Back at the mantel, Brenda gestures toward a number of boxes around her and informs Nate, "Half these boxes are full of Lisa's clothes." Well, if they're hand-me-downs, Maya had better hope that her first growth spurt finds rough-hewn pants with hemp drawstrings to be the dominant fashion of the day. Particularly when worn with ponchos with peace signs on the back. But Nate tells us that they are for Maya, "so she can see 'em when she grows up." Because if he doesn't want her scarred as a result of her mother's death, why not make her the docent of the Dead Mommy Museum? Brenda agrees in an I-don't-know- what-you're-getting-at kind of way, responding, "Well, when you think about it, this ceremony does the same thing." Huh? "You want to go so that when Maya grows up, you can say to her, 'You were there.'" Just like the World's Fair. But with lots more dead mothers.

"I have colitis!" announces perennial wacky neighbor and sometimes Six Feet Under director Kathy Bates. "Baby" Ruth "And Butterfinger Fresh Guaranteed" Fisher looks down and sadly mutters, "Oh, no," and, see, we're supposed to believe that Bettina is telling Ruth that she has some terrible disease and that Ruth cares very, very much. But hang on, fans of hilarious visual comedy everywhere. Press pause on your Pay Per View copy of Scary Movie 3 (Michael Jackson as the little girl from The Others! Priceless!) and come take a look at this! Instead of talking about actually having colitis (which is no joke, believe you me), we are soon to discover that Bettina has merely put the seven-letter word "colitis" down in an in-progress game of Scrabble among Ruth, Bettina, and a younger girl who has never heard my incredibly helpful maxim about being funny or skinny, as stated above. And it's a seven-letter word, sure, so you get major bonus points for that. And Ruth takes pains to point out that Bettina nailed it on a triple word score. But besides the three points for the "c," all of the other letters are worth just one. So that's nine points for the word, twenty-seven with the triple word score, and I believe another fifty (is that right? I'm not sure because I've never done it) for Scrabbling out. ["Probably more than that, since in order to use all her letters up, she'd have to create a second word, most likely by adding the 's' to another word that was already on the board, so she'd get points for that too, right? I'm a nerd." -- Wing Chun] Don't be glum, other players! You guys are still in the game! Except for the third player, who takes this moment to grouse, "Fuckin' Jesus, mom. You're a seven-letter whore!" That's no way to talk to your mother! You should be removed for your insolence and be forced to try the salad. No! I mean the word "salad." That "d" is a trove of points. Bettina and the miscreant daughter we've heard her mention at various points over the years (let's call her "Cousin Oliver") start snipping at each other, and Ruth starts to tear up and tells them, "I'm going to miss this. I don't want to go home." A quick shot of the board shows that someone has put down the words "cat" and "red" and that that person is losing, particularly because whoever put "cat" down did so on a magic turn during the scene, seeing as the board does not contain "cat" the first time we see it but does the second. Also, someone threw down "anti," which I would definitely look up. Ruth scans her letter and asks if "umurawi" is a word, seeing as those are the letters she has. Even if it were (and if this were Balderdash instead of Scrabble, it would be defined as "a learned shaman who performs sacred rites at Senegalese weddings"), it would still need to be pluralized with an "s" from "colitis" to find a place on the board. ["You are a nerd also!" -- Wing Chun] Ruth realizes how up in her umurawi her awful husband has really been to her, and seizes this opportunity to begin sobbing. Bettina II raises an arm to place sympathetically on Ruth's shoulder, in the process burning enough calories to reward herself with a Dove Bar.

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Six Feet Under

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