Persistent knocks on a door cut us over to the apartment of The Matthew Barney Of LAC Arts. He walks shirtless toward the door in a way that makes me wish he were much, much hotter, and upon pulling it open we find Russell and Anita rolling in a keg. But I thought art students only drank PBR to be ironic. Into the frame stumbles Claire "My Anti-Drug Is Drugs" Fisher, who asks, "What time is it?" Russell fields it, barking, "It's Miller Time!" Is that still their tagline or did Russell just kick it with a marketing slogan from before he was born in 1990? Claire wraps herself in a blanket and throws herself down on The Matthew Barney Of LAC Arts's couch, Anita immediately asking Claire, "Guess [The Matthew Barney Of LAC Arts] is the refrigerator magnet of the week, huh?" "Refrigerator magnet"? Where is this dialogue ripped from, the lost script of Heathers 2: The Return Of The Diet Cokeheads? Claire curls in her fingers and puts her right hand up in that universal acting catchall for "Oh no you di'int," shooting back, "Oh, I get it. Because you and Russell are like Mr. and Mrs. Suburban Happy Love Couple." Anita claims that maybe they are, and uses funny-sounding domestic words like "ranch house" and "cul-de-sac" to show how anti-establishment she is, because nice Gap everything, you upper middle-class suburban white dilettante.
Claire turns the talk to the topic at hand, asking, "Did you bring weed?" Anita says that she did, but is quickly interrupted by her small garden gnome of a boyfriend, who calls over asking if she brought "the CDs." Compact discs, eh? Are they thirty? Is this the past? Did they order those through Columbia House? If these kids are half as achingly cool as this show would like us to believe they were, it's all iPod, all the time. While Anita makes moon-eyes at Russell -- which are, I guess, the second best way to look at Russell, right after beer goggles -- Claire starts rifling though Anita's bag, much to the owner's vexation. Careful! You'll get fingerprints all over her exaggerated sense of self-importance! She bats Claire out of her bag like I bat away the frequent ant I find snacking upon the dusty, chewy Velamints at the bottom of my grandmother's pocketbook (it's true, you guys. My sister and I wrote a haiku about it and everything) as Claire snarls, "I thought you brought pot." Anita snarks, "Well, I could get it for you, Stonehenge" because this has gone from Heathers to Will & Grace, and Claire is suddenly being characterized as a drug-addled, subtlety-free train wreck, spitting back, "Get it, then." Anita pulls out the necessary paraphernalia and Claire grabs it greedily, though I can't describe what any of it is because marijuana is against the law so what the heck's all that stuff? ["I thought I saw a cool pencil holder." -- Wing Chun]