Six Feet Under
The Dare

Episode Report Card
Djb: B+ | 2 USERS: A-
YOU GRADE IT
It's Not A Toomah

Most whorish. Bomb shelter. Ever. Infinity stands on a stepstool peering onto a high shelf of her kitchen cabinetry, moving around the cans of Poverty Brand Beans that litter the shelves. From about eighteen feet below, Rico "Cuckold On For One More Day" Diaz must look like an ant to her. Particularly considering the fact that he's lifting a Catholic guilt that's at least ten times his body weight. He asks her, "Did you hear what I said?" and Sideways Eight ransacks the shelves for something -- could it be an actual article of clothing, for once? -- and spits, "Yeah. You can't see me anymore. It's over. Goodbye." She looks in his direction and focuses all four of her peering eyes on him, insisting, "Goodbye, Rico." And back into the top shelves she goes, muttering to herself with a decidedly just-make-it- to-the-kitchen- don't-let-him- see-you-cry conviction, "I am so stupid." No, you're just...yeah, you are kinda dumb. But why? "I hid that pack of cigarettes from myself so good [sic] I can't find them." Rico instinctively knows their location, counseling, "Look on top of the refrigerator." Thank you for your insight, The Great Smoke-dini! How else would he have found them besides via the magic power of psychic assistance? How can he be expected know the goings-on of the top of a refrigerator if he's barely even tall enough to see over his girlfriend's hair?

Rico tries to bring it down a bit, assuring Sideways Eight that he's sorry, but that "this isn't right in some way. To my wife. To my kids." Sideways Eight lights a cigarette and gets all up in his business, reminding him, "This is not about fucking. You made that plain and clear. It's about just being friends." With which Rico unleashes with greatest, lamest good guy line ever: "I think I need more guy friends." Well, if he intends to interact socially with his new male companions in the same way he did with this girl, I hope he's ready for some lingering hugs after the dudes complain about their lupus-ridden, welfare-assed lots in life. But, in the good news column, I bet you ten bucks the blowjob is better.

Sideways Eight backs away and takes this moment to start scratching at herself frantically and announcing, "Of course you tell me today when my lupus is acting up." Snerk. Way to shoehorn that bit of continuity in there. And way for "lupus" to be a disease with an intensity and side effects roughly equal to "mosquito bite." Rico reminds her that he gave her quite a sum of money and never heard anything about her visit to the doctor, but she cuts him off and just yells, "I got the damn lupus!" Other side effects may include: pronouncements of the super-obvious, fiscal irresponsibility, and a severe and chronic aversion to clothing your damn shoulders, ever.

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Six Feet Under

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