Six Feet Under
The Invisible Woman

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Dead women tell no tales

School. Claire and DangerSlut are in the library, and what do you know? They're discussing hairy men. "Do you think the hair on Mr. Peterson's forearms is sexy?" asks DangerSlut. "Or is it too unkempt? Sometimes it gets all tufty." Heh. Peter Krause might want to check his dressing room for peepholes. Claire, perhaps trying to block out the unbidden mental image of her shirtless brother, refuses to be goaded into a response; she's busy studying for the SATs. "I am like four hundred times smarter than you," she reminds us all. "Why aren't you panicking more about this test than I am?" DangerSlut remains nonchalant, saying that she's taken a bunch of practice tests and that her mom's "life coach" is advising her. "Your mom's 'life coach'?" inquires an incredulous Claire. "Do you have any idea what a parody of yourself you are?" Marry me, Lauren. Now. The scene continues, with DangerSlut explaining that every year she compiles a statistical rating of the "fuckability" of the school's male faculty. I actually do the same thing with the TWoP staff every now and then, and after using several spreadsheets, a few recursive algorithms, and a scientific calculator, I've been able to determine that my score is actually a negative number. No wonder I'm so alone in the world. Claire checks out Parker's chart, and immediately notices that George I'mtoosexyforthis came in way down at number twenty-two. So, of course, George chooses just this moment to stop by and say howdy. After he moves on, DangerSlut leers at his ass for a while, and then declares, "I could fuck [George], easy." "Easy" being the operative word, of course.

Das Sargzimmer. David exposits the backstory on the DGDJ to Nate, and hands over her "pre-need" form, in which she's laid out all of the specifications for her funeral service. Nate seems a bit taken aback that the woman died alone, but he's relieved to note that she had a sense of humor when he sees that she's chosen the song "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going" to be played at the viewing. My sense of humor kicks in when David explains that the music is from Dreamgirls, and then breaks into song. Heh. Nate eyes him warily (or at least he would have if the director hadn't cut the top of his head out of the shot), especially when David gets to the line about "the best man I've ever known." At this point I was hopeful that this would be the week's only musical number, but alas, it wasn't meant to be. Nate meanwhile remains weirded out by the idea of planning his own funeral in advance. "I had fun doing mine," answers a near-giggly David. I just bet he did. David's idea of fun frightens me.

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