Six Feet Under
The Liar And The Whore

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Dog Dead Afternoon

What can I say? You people are good. I asked for nicknames for Keith and David's new apartment, and I got no less than eight superlative suggestions. Either you're all incredibly clever and creative, or you've got too much free time on your hands. Given the recent posting explosion in the forums, I'd say it's probably the latter. But that's okay. I don't work all that hard at my day job, either. Of course, I also owe my friendly new stalker pikajew a major shout-out for winning the "Name All Fifty Recaps" contest, but I couldn't decide whether to make it a Pokémon reference or a Dust Bunny joke, so she'll just have to make do with a simple "pikajew rules!" And she does, you know. I should also take this time to throw out a profound and heartfelt apology to Strega for last week's recap, on the off chance that it prevents her from going through with whatever devious schemes for revenge I just know she's got planned.

Strega: Who me? Revenge? I would never.
Aaron: Yeah. Sure you wouldn't.
Strega: Please. I'm too evolved to engage in these petty little recapper disputes. Incidentally, could you move a little to your left? Just stand right where that "X" is painted on the floor. Thanks.

It is, of course, a well known fact that the "gimmick" is a universal invariant in all Six Feet Under opening scenes. Even last week's ostensibly gimmick-free entry could be considered gimmicky by the very nature of its gimmick-less…ness-ess-ess-ess-ess. You know what I mean. But this week's opening sets an impressive new standard, giving us a trick disguised as a feint wrapped in a gimmick and stuffed into a sausage casing. We open in a nursing home, on the deathly still body of a patient. Is she the DGDJ? Is she dead already? Ha! That's just what they want you to think. A scientifically designed tracking shot reveals everything you ultimately need to know about this scene as we pan over to the room's other occupant, who whines incessantly about pretty much everything. For the sake of convenience, I'll just name these ladies now. You've got Edith "The Konstant Komplainer" Kirky, and Ramona "The Kwiet Killer" Kippleman. While Edith delivers her "woe is me" diatribe, we cut out into the hallway to reveal Vanessa and another nurse collecting lunch trays. Will Vanessa be the DGDJ? Is God going to deliver the ultimate "Shut up, Rico"? Sadly, no. Instead, Vanessa and her partner enter Room K, where Vanessa gently chides Ms. Kippleman for having eaten only the hot dog out of her entire lunch. The sudden sound of superfluous swearing from across the room is our first indicator that something is wrong, and we kwickly discover that The Konstant Komplainer is down for the kount. In her final klose-up, The Kwiet Killer gives us a single blink of the eyes, and as Foreshadowing swoops past in an X-Wing fighter, we finally fade to white. Farewell, Edith Kirky. You might not have been quirky, but at least you can take comfort in the knowledge that your death wasn't used as a product placement for Nathan's.

Incidentally, lest anyone be koncerned that I'm stealing Gustave's special "K" gimmick, you should all know that Sars can attest to my fascination with said letter going all the way back to my original pitch to become a recapper. Of course, I also used that pitch to insult her last name, compare her and Wing Chun to Laverne and Shirley, and describe myself as being the "illicit and slightly deformed love child of Barbra Streisand and (a bald) Andre Agassi," so maybe that's not something to be proud of. And yet, she hired me anyway. Well, nobody's perfekt, I guess.

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Six Feet Under

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