Robert Iler: So, do you think Lauren would go for me? I'm at least a celebrity, you know. Plus it's pretty clear she likes the bad boys.
Aaron Sorkin: You? A bad boy? Please. At least my bust was a felony. All you did was steal some lunch money.
Robert Iler: Yeah, well, at least I wasn't dumb enough to run my crack pipe through airport security there, Whitney.
MBTV Aaron: Hey! Don't make me come over there. Especially because I don't think I could stand up right now. [Flick] Ahhhhhhhh.
Aaron Sorkin: Whatever. We'll see who's laughing on Emmy night. That is, if your parents let you stay out that late.
Okay. The whites are in the dryer, so I'm back. David is on the internet, and surprisingly, he's chosen to go for gay porn over Mighty Big TV. I know Sars and Wing Chun were faced with roughly the same choice when they started this site, and I think we can all agree they've made the right decision. Believe me, the last thing anyone wants to see are big giant pictures of Demian and me. David is also on the phone, telling some random phone sex operator that his name is "Jim," and that he's a "six-two, one-hundred-and-ninety-pound" "professional boxer" with a dick that's "nine-and-a-half inches uncut." I'll spare you the graphic details of the rest of the scene, because I'm already way over my "heh or ew" quota for this recap. Instead, I'll just mention that as a further sign of David's decline, he's switched from milk to beer as his masturbation beverage of choice.
The Brotherfucker Boudoir. Nate comes over late at night to see Brenda, but she doesn't want to talk about Billy because that's all she's done for two days. Nate acts all concerned, and climbs into bed with her. He whispers sweet nothings in her ear, and then confesses that he loves her, and needs her, and wants her to need him too. Brenda feigns sleepiness, but she smiles and says that she's doing the best she can. Fade to white.
The next morning, David comes down to the Body Shop, looking disheveled and straightening his tie. "Rough night, stud?" asks Illeana, and David immediately responds, "You're fired!" Aww. Not because I feel bad for Illeana, but because it reminds me of every conversation I've ever had with Sars. ["Except that I play both parts." -- Sars] Those were some good times.
At the Brotherfucker Boudoir, Brenda's mother (fucker) has shown up with Sunday brunch. Brenda perches on the counter in the kitchen, looking totally weirded out by her mother's presence. When Nate joins them, Brenda explains that Mom dropped by to find out if Brenda talked Billy into committing himself. When Brenda says that she's not going to do it, Zhora screams, "Goddammit!" before adding that she's really upset because she asked for chives and they gave her "this veggie crap" for the bagels. Then she calmly tries to explain to Brenda that Billy really didn't try to commit suicide while Brenda was in Europe. Instead, he blew up the family living room because he was trying to build a bomb. Then she claims that Billy was in the hospital all summer because they had him committed. Instead of pointing out the obvious, which is that BILLY WOULD HAVE MENTIONED ALL THIS AT LEAST ONCE in the years since, Brenda accepts it all as true and gets angry that Mom has been lying to her. She screams at Zhora to get out of the house and let Harrison Ford check her dressing room for peepholes, but when Mom doesn't leave, Brenda takes off instead. Nate's cell phone picks this inopportune time to ring, as David has called to report that he fired Illeana. David wants to hire the panic-attack guy, but Nate claims to have a better idea.