Yeah. I know. I'm messing with your finely honed schedules here. In fact, the original title for this week was going to be "Death, Taxes, and Recaps on Sundays," but then I realized that future generations reading the site would likely treat the idea of my turning in a recap early with the same sort of disdain we currently reserve for unicorn sightings, rumors of Atlantis, and whatever comes out of Gary Condit's mouth. So I bagged that idea. The fact is, I'm going out of town this weekend (but fear not -- barring any difficulties with the U.S. Customs Service, I'll be back in time for the finale), so I had to get this one in a wee bit early. I'd tell you where I'm going, but Sars has sworn me to secrecy. Let's just say that the future of human civilization as we now know it rests in my hands, so if I were you, I'd be out building a bomb shelter right now, instead of reading this recap. But that's just me.
Anyway, this week's opening death is by far the best of the series to date, and also the saddest. The whole thing is shot from the perspective of the soon-to-be DGDJ, who just so happens to be a three-week-old infant named Dillon. As we look out through the bars of his crib, little Dillon's parents enter the room to check up on him. There's some cooing and cuddling, and then there's finally a textually relevant usage of the famed funky focus tricks as Dad opines that the baby doesn't quite look right. After a few more quick tugs at the heartstrings, Mom sends Dad back to bed, starts up the little black-and-white mobile above the crib, and sits down to watch over her baby. As she does, Sweet Baby Dillon turns his attention back to the mobile, and as it spins down closer and closer, and slower and slower, and the ominous smiley-face printed upon it fills the frame, we finally fade to white. Farewell, Dillon Michael Cooper. And hello director Michael Engler, who did a damn fine job this week.
We fade back up from the Ironically White Title Card Of Death to see David, waking up some random guy who's spent the night in -- gasp! -- David's bedroom at the Fortress. There are empty beer bottles and other, uh, party-type items scattered around the room, and David is pretty insistent that his date needs to get out. Now. As the kid rouses himself from the bed, he observes that David was "a lot nicer online." Heh. Aren't we all? Well, except for me, I guess. I know I come off all cold and heartless (and slightly stalkerish) in these recaps, but I'm really just a big, soft, fluffy bunny inside. Then again, I think it's probably a bit more likely that was a slam on the other Aaron Rick Cleveland deals with online. Anyway, Date Boy needs a nickname, and considering what happens next, the fact that these two met online, and the almost Aaron-like level of popularity it enjoys as an appellation amongst the male MBTV readership, I think "Jeremy Drencher" is the natural choice. David continues playing the grumpy grouch as Jeremy gets dressed and heads for the door. As he walks out, he calls back, "See you in the chat rooms, Jim." You know, this is almost exactly how I picture the mornings after for all the people in the MBTV couples thread.
Outside in the driveway, Ruth is working on her flowers as Jeremy exits. He stops to tie his shoes and light up a cigarette, and Ruth simply stares in shock. Then she flashes on the funniest bondage scene since Dolly Parton strung up Dabney Coleman with a garage door opener. A shirtless David is chained to a bolt on his bedroom ceiling, cackling madly as a leather-bound Jeremy flails away at him with a whip. Cut back to the driveway, where Jeremy cheerfully greets Ruth, and she promptly responds by drenching him with a garden hose. Heh. He turns away, still dripping, and calls her a "fucking bitch" as he leaves. Just as Jeremy rounds the corner, David emerges, giving us at long last an answer to the question which has plagued mankind since the dawn of time. Or at least since I asked it in last week's recap. Turns out, David's room is over the garage. Who knew? Anyway, he says hi to his Mom as he heads inside the Fortress proper, but all she can do is glare.