It's Mrs. Beatty and her baby at the door, and I'm just going to pause for a moment and point out that Tracy Middendorf is really freaking hot. Like Jessica Alba hot, but with the added bonus of displaying at least marginally more intellectual ability. Which is not to say that dogs, gerbils, and certain species of rutabaga don't also show marginally more intellectual ability than Ms. Alba does. She is hot, though, and sometimes that's all I need. Especially when I'm just looking for a buddy, if you know what I mean, and I think all the forum readers do. David leads her back to a living room, and starts asking questions to determine what sort of funeral service Warren would have wanted. When he learns that Beatty was the man behind Beauty Vision and its many infomercials, he suggests a "large-scale" service. Then he explains that they must "choose an appropriate resting vessel -- one that befits a man of his stature." Tracy starts crying, and David gently slides a box of Kleenex across the table to her. Based on the fact that Warren used to drive "the biggest, fastest" model of BMW, David recommends the Titan series of caskets, which feature "the same wood used in luxury automobile interiors." Tracy checks the price ($9,000), but then agrees to everything and hands over her credit card.
At this point, we're spared any further exposition regarding the reading of the will, and we skip straight to the exposition that's actually contained in the will itself. Basically, Ruth gets all the money and the insurance, Claire gets a trust to pay for college, David gets half the funeral home, and Nate gets a cheap, contrived excuse not to go back to Seattle. Uh...I mean, "the other half of the funeral home." I know everyone's been debating what The Late Nate's motives might have been here, but if you think the division of the funeral home was anything more than a device, you're probably deluding yourself. Or thinking you're still watching The Sopranos, the writers of which would have never stooped to this sort of stuff. I'm not even sure Livia left a will. Upon hearing that he's inherited half the home, Nate asks whether Dad was high when he wrote the will. Yeah, that's tasteful. David just gets up and walks out. Nate chases after him, leaving Claire to wonder what her "recourse" is. She's all snotty about not getting anything, despite the fact that Mom insists that she's "getting an education." I guess I can understand why Claire is upset, but I got pretty much the exact same deal when my grandparents died, and I can assure you that she'll be changing her tune once she gets the chance to laugh at friends who have to make student loan payments until they're fifty. I know I did. ["Same here, only no one had to die for me to get school paid for. Thanks, Registrar Dad!" -- Wing Chun] Downstairs, Nate tries to assure David that he can have his half, but Mom isn't having it: "Your father knew what he was doing. He wanted everyone to be happy, and we will be happy." There's more snarking and snotting, and Mom reminds them that they're all adults, and that Claire will be leaving next year. "Yeah, to join the Marines," she shouts. "I want to learn to kill, kill, kill!" Heh. I love Lauren Ambrose. But not in any kind of a toe-sucking way.