Six Feet Under
Twilight

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It's My Body And I'll Cry If I Want To

The Body Shoppe conversation is interrupted by the doorbell, and Nate heads upstairs to answer it. It's Blondie, and one way or another, she and heart of glass are going to convince Nate to touch her presence dear. Or something like that. She pretends to only be interested in the plans for her father's service, and there's much pointless discussion of the floral arrangements as she sashays about the lobby. Did I just say "sashay"? Oy. Nate assures her that their florist is very talented, although he does neglect to mention the fact that he's also in debt to the Russian mob. Or the fact that he used to sleep with Nate's mother. Instead, he just promises that none of the flowers will be pink. Blondie leans up against a wall (so as to better thrust out her chest), and softly suggests that they could go out and get some "coffee or something" because she hasn't "eaten anything" yet today. Well, I guess that means…nah. You know what? Too easy. I do, however, think it's cute that Nate now has a blonde Annoying Funeral Stalker of his very own. He oh-so-subtly waves his left hand around in front of her face, and then actually does use a telestrator to make sure that she notices his wedding ring. Blondie grabs his hand to study the gold band, and then slyly asks, "Is your wife around? Because that's not an anvil in my pocket. I really am happy to see you." Nate is forced to reply that his wife actually isn't around, and then rather abruptly suggests that Blondie needs to leave. Blondie gets all melancholy as she apologizes, and she also confesses that without a job, she's just been sitting around and "staring at the walls" all day. Nate switches back into gift mode, and lets her down a little more gently by once again promising that none of the flowers will be pink. "Call me," she says, as she sashays back out the door. "Call me on the line. In fact, call me, call me, anytime."

For the third time this week, we get a shot of Claire sitting silently, contemplating what she's about to do. This time, the Ironic Anvil Fairy is helping her watch the baby, and Maya is happily goofing around in the playpen behind her. Maya's rattle? Makes noise. Maya herself? Totally silent. I'm telling you, that kid is spooky.

Cut to a Home Depot, where Ruth's voice-over is urging Cromwell to "get the cordless." At first I thought that was a really clever abortion/umbilical cord pun, but then I remembered that the last time they referenced a Makita power drill, I gave them credit for a clever opera pun, and instead it turns out that they're all just big giant product-placement whores. Seriously. There's like ninety-three million billion neon signs screaming, "Buy Makita! Right Fucking Now!" all over the background of this shot. For God's sake, we're an Apple iBook and a packet of Snackwell's cookies away from this being worse than a Ruben Studdard Ford Explorer skit on American Idol. I mean, at least those guys are honest about the whole thing. Anyway, the less I say about George's "torque"-related sexual innuendos, the better, so let's just jump straight to the heart of the scene. Cromwell suggests that Ruth try holding one of the various drills so that she can understand why he says it "feels good" in his hand. "See what I mean?" he asks. "I do," she replies, before immediately blurting out that she thinks they should get married. Heh. Very clever, Mr. Writer-Man. George is ecstatic that Ruth has proposed, because even though they've only known each other for two weeks, he's totally ready to get married as well. This is followed by a long discussion about the fact that they both hate going to hardware stores alone. "That's what life is, isn't it?" asks Cromwell. "Coming to places like this? And also buying Makita power tools. Oh, and drinking Dr. Pepper. That's what life is." "So let's get married," he continues. "What the hey!" Then he decides to a little drilling of his own right there in the store, as he pulls Ruth close for a kiss and shoves his tongue so far down her throat that he looks like a Halliburton employee inspecting oil wells in southern Iraq. After about fourteen hours, he pulls away and confesses that he's been married before. Six times, in fact. This only fazes Ruth for about three seconds, and then they start kissing again. Damn. Get you a room, you two! Build it yourself if you have to! The less I say about Ruth's "I'll help you keep it charged" sexual innuendo the better, so I'll just mention that George decides to buy the cordless, and move on to the next scene.

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Six Feet Under

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