Six Feet Under

Episode Report Card
Djb: B- | 3 USERS: B-

Just at that moment, a loud creaking sound forces their eyes melodramatically skyward (well, elevator-roof-ward) as if they're shooting scared pickup shots from Anacondas: The Hunt For Bloody Torso and the snake is getting its taxes done on the fifteenth floor but is almost done. Realizing that the elevator seems to be moving in some other direction than "good," Hoodster heads over to the buttons and starts pressing all of them at once, which inspires Pink Lady to insist, "Don't do that! You'll make it worse!" But Tina-Fey-Lesley-Ann-Warren chimes in, noting, "We have to do something!" Maybe they should try talking about a zither. It impressed everyone at Stee's house.

But Brandon't has got other ideas: "Let's all try to pry this door open one more time." Brandon't, Pink Lady, and Tin-not Fey line up at the elevator door and put themselves in prying position, as Hooster retreats to the back of the elevator and frets, "We're gonna drop ten floors and we're all gonna die." Tin-Not Fey tells him he could use "a little more Bruce Willis attitude," at which point Hoodster storms off again, stars in Bonfire of the Vanities and Hudson Hawk, has his career briefly resuscitated by a groovy role in a Tarantino movie, proclaims this entire situation "wet and it's dry, my my my my," and then has his age called into question again when his wife leaves him for a boy even I'm too old to date. Wow, dude. Killer Bruce Willis. The remaining three, meanwhile, pry the doors open with all of their well-timed might, and Brandon't climbs up to the nearest floor, which the elevator is about halfway up to. Once Brandon't makes it out and stands on firm ground, he tells the others, "I'll take the stairs and get some help." But just then, The Thrill-o-vator Of Death screeches down another few inches, and the other three look up in horror. Can elevators really just go into free fall? There's a sign in the elevator in an office building I spent a lot of time in that specifically reads, "If stopped, there is little chance the elevator will drop," which I've also regarded with the only possible response: "Well, thanks. I wasn't worried about it...until now." But the three remaining inhabitants of the elevator seem very concerned, and so Brandon't lies down half inside the elevator, perched to pull the other three out. Hoodster runs to the front, in front of Pink Lady, who we learn from the next shot is actually quite pregnant. Bad Hoodster! The views expressed by Hoodster do not necessarily reflect the views of those who wear his wardrobe, those who picked it out for him, or American Eagle LLC. Tin-not Fey pulls Hoodster back and Pink Lady marches up to the front. But just as she takes his hands, the elevator door begins closing and the inner mechanisms of the thing register that to mean, "Going down." So the doors pin poor Brandon't in, and a plate comes down from inside the elevator door, pinning him down from all four sides. As the three others pin themselves across the back wall, they watch in horror as Brandon't gets clipped in half before their eyes, splattering blood everywhere. His legs, still on the floor outside the elevator, twitch meaninglessly as if doing the I'm Half The Man I Used To Be Waltz as we learn that Kenneth MacDonald Henderson made it from 1954-2004 thinking he wouldn't be a cartoon flipbook or a character found in the bioexorcist's waiting room in Beetlejuice.

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Six Feet Under




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