Six Feet Under
You Never Know

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Nobody Likes A Busybody

Topanga Canyon. Ruth has made egg salad for everyone (no word on whether or not it's Aunt May's recipe), but Sarah claims that she can't eat because there are "jolts of electricity shooting through [her] body." Of course, as soon as Kathy and Ruth happily chow down, Sarah changes her mind and decides she wants some for herself. Her woe-is-me, martyr-like inability to reach more than three inches off the bed to grab the plate out of Ruth's hand is mildly giggle-worthy, but her explanation of why she got hooked on Vicodin in the first place is straight out of the "What To Say When The Party's Over" chapter in the Handbook For Aging Bad Girls. "Somewhere along the line I started to realize that I was no longer the youngest or prettiest girl in the room," she laments, much to Kathy's disgust. "For a while I satisfied myself with being the most intriguing, but eventually I just became the one in paisley. And then my sister here went out on a date, and I just sat at home to masturbate. It's too fucking depressing." Ruth insists that Sarah is much more than just a paisley-clad onanite. "Yeah, you're a drug addict," confirms Kathy. Heh. Sarah wants to get up to go add some spices to the egg salad, but Kathy instantly figures out that the only spice she's interested comes in 500-milligram increments. Man, that Kathy is tough. Too bad she wasn't around when Brett Favre got hooked on Vicodin. The Packers could have won a half-dozen Super Bowls. Kathy grabs Sarah and forcibly shakes her until Sarah admits that there's a secret stash of pills in the coriander, and also some Ecstasy in the aspirin bottle. Then Kathy huffs and puffs for a while, before pulling a pair of scarves out of a drawer and starting to tie Sarah's arms to the bedposts. Ooh, kinky! Maybe we'll finally get some of that High Art lesbian action Stee has been after for so long. Or maybe they'll just tie her down and go outside for a while. But not before Sarah's struggling prompts Ruth to blurt, "Do you want me to break this arm? Because I will!" that is. Hee! Kathy raises an eyebrow at this surprising burst of threatened violence, but you can totally tell that she's thinking, "Heh. Rookie. I bet she doesn't even know how to use a sledgehammer."

Outside, Kathy collapses on a hammock and sighs in frustration. "I don't know how you remain so calm," observes Ruth. "I took a Vicodin," answers Kathy. Ruth is shocked, but Sarah's continued wailing from inside soon prompts her to take one herself. She dry swallows the pill, and with just that little push, she finds herself smiling. "It's not bad," she says. "Although I did like the Ecstasy a little better. The colors were sooooooo pretty! And there was this cute talking bear!"

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Six Feet Under

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