Episode Report Card
Djb: C+ | Grade It Now!
PornDaddy and Right Hand do the walk-and-talk through the hallways of their vast, crumbling empire. There's a big-ass sign on the wall behind the reception desk that says "Golden." Which is not anyone's last name or the name of the company, right? What's going on? Right Hand takes these words for a test drive: "The Goldman Family Women's Oncology Center." He proclaims that it "beats the hell out of a plaque by the elevator." Hey! Corporate-appropriate language in the workplace, please! I think what he means is "it objectifies the bodies of a plaque by the elevator." PornDaddy tells Right Hand that it's not a particularly interesting building that he's about to give his good name to, which also fails to captivate Right Hand as a piece of news. He tells us, "All people care about is the man who forked over the cash to save the ladies from the cancer." Ooooh, you called it "the cancer." That means that now you probably have it. Dude. Don't taunt Happy Fun Ball. Fall in line. PornDaddy's secretary enters and tells the two gentlemen to put on something called "Channel 12." Every place I've ever lived, that's always been the local news station. Growing up, in fact, Channel 12 started off as "News 12 - Long Island," and then was further niche-marketed to become "News 12 - The Massapequas," which ran mostly still slides of neighborhood color (the homecoming parade, the St. Rose Bazaar, Mary Jo Buttafuoco's CAT scan results) and voice-overs of painfully provincial news items ("This semester, Brian Shusterman will be studying in Chile!") that didn't even pique the interest of the subjects of the stories. I was on it about nine times. All of which is a very long way of saying that I'm not impressed that a story about Goldman is showing up on "News 12 - Goldman's Office." PornDaddy and Right Hand turn on a big plasma screen right behind Larry's desk to be met by the ubiquitous mug of one Tom Roam. It's a press conference. In front of the Midas Touch. Blah blah solve problems, fight crime, blah. The Midas Touch, like other establishments of its kind, "are magnets for violent criminals. They exploit women and encourage prostitution." What timing! Goldman turns off the television and laughs about being christened a "violent criminal," but Right Hand isn't quite so amused. He repeats, "This guy. THIS guy," all the while gesturing madly at a blank television screen set to the "off" switch. Nice directorial decision there, by the way. He keeps on to Goldman that if Roam wins reelection, they're kind of screwed. And, according to Mayor Prude's enforced morality, they'll be the only ones getting to be that way. But Goldman's got some tricks, as we've seen before, responding, "I think we should support the poor guy." Right Hand reminds him that Goldman's thought of this plan already, and that he's made charitable donations in the names of almost everyone they know. I don't remember why this was a good idea.

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