Episode Report CardDjb: F | Grade It Now!
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Goldman. Office. Phone. "Whaddyamean she wasn't in school today?" What I mean is that the tape of Bueller faking sick didn't work, and now Jennifer Grey and Charlie Sheen are at the police station together. Which is kind of amazing, considering that I think the principal in that movie was, in real life, found to have, um, accessed some of Goldman's more prosecutable websites, am I right? And then a guy drops an envelope on Goldman's desk, and we cut to... ...Goldman at home, explaining what a subpoena is to Babs "Cardboard Box Of Porn Emporium, How May I Help you?" Goldman. He reminds us all again that making Goldman testify at The Trial Of The Zzzzzzzentury will form the basis for a case Roam is going to build against Goldman. Man, if only he'd figured that out last week. Ah, well. Babs knows that Roam "will fail, again," but Goldman is more concerned that his own kids will start to think their father is, in fact, a criminal. Babs argues, by way of evasion, "Jewel's in no position to judge anyone." So lest they judge her first, or whatever. Jew-liet is soon to enter the house to find her furrowed-browed parents waiting for her in the living room. They bait her into lying about being in school, and the Babs gives a judgy "hmmm" before volleying, "That's interesting. Your math teacher called to ask if he should fax the homework." Ack. Do teachers really do that now? I mean, teachers who suck? How mean. Jew-liet comes fully into the room now and sits down, the "writer" using every prompt of his shiny new Final Draft program (except for the "apply pressure to the keys in a way that would indicate talent to the viewer" kind of way), depressing the C, X, and V keys while holding down "Control" over the highlighted text of this exact scene in last week's episode. We don't lie to one another! Adam's the only thing you've ever made me lie about! Goldman assures her, "We are not a perfect family." Well, not as long as you dabble in the sick and twisted "Son Trade" you seem so obsessed with, you freaks. Try keeping that secret buried in the bottom drawer forever, I dare you. Babs incorrectly states "we can't make your choices for you," which is exactly what they're doing. But for some reason, that's the statement that makes Jew-liet the maddest, and she marches out of the room far enough that her father feels inclined to yell at her about the perils "turning her back" on him and Babs. But Jew-liet screams back that it's not easy being his daughter, and that she just wants to be with the guy she loves and blee blee blee. Honestly, just let them get together. Let there be no strings attached. Tell them to do whatever they want together and give them limitless supplies of money and cell phones and whatever else you can dig out of the bottom drawer. Simmer on low. Wait a month. This relationship will be over. And probably so will the show that depicts it.