Secrets And Lies

Episode Report Card
Djb: F | 1 USERS: A+
There's Brilliant But Cancelled. And Then There's Whatever This Is
Goldman and Right Hand sit in the sunny, airy, Southern Californian offices of someone I'll guess is a private investigator. Goldman explains that his business is "sensitive enough" (ew, not like that) to begin with, without someone actively wanting to destroy it. The investigator tells Goldman that he can "provide insurance," and Good Goldman implores him, "Don't break the law. Don't cross the line. And, whatever you do, make sure this does not tie back to me." Goldman and Right Hand stand up simultaneously, Goldman leaving and Right Hand staying behind to take care of the dirty work. Right Hand suggests to the investigator how unfortunate it would be if someone broke into Roam's office and found out he liked to "surf porn." "Surf porn"? Like Blue Crush? Which, of course I've never seen. What? Stop looking at me like that. Goldman Offices by light of tittie. A voice announces, "Hello, I'm Johnny Wong. This is open call casting. Have your IDs ready and keep your shirts on until I see proof of ages. Thank you." A number of would-be porn stars strut around confidently. Because porn is scrubbed clean and Goldman is a decent man, no one there is coked-out, a victim of physical abuse, or fifteen. Awesome. A somewhat doofy photographer stands in an office into which each woman walks one by one. He tells them to show their two forms of photo ID (not one person shows a passport, so I have to guess that it's license and, what, fake license? ["Gym membership?" -- Wing Chun]), and then take off their clothes. I sure do wish I possessed the sensibility to think nothing more than "This must be the luckiest guy in the world!" But if that were really the first thing I thought, I probably wouldn't even have this job. The nudie montage ends abruptly with the sudden appearance of a young girl (she's a spy or underage or both, and we can see that whether it comes in this episode or three episodes from now so GET ON WITH IT) who identifies herself as "Darlene Smith." The photographer asks to see her "two forms of current legal ID," and she fumbles for two licenses (again, I don't...) that she places next to her cornfed and slightly bucktoothed mouth. Photographer Guy (how about these nicknames right here, people?) tells her to take her clothes off. She undoes a skirt and lets it drop to the ground, telling him, "My mother says what you don't see is sexier than what you do see." And you know what's interesting? My mother and I actually have a standing agreement that she'd better not be forthcoming about any of the details of her sexual history unless she's interested in getting an earful about mine. Three cheers for The Cold War of familial sexual politics, but it's worked so far so I'm not going to rock the boat. How about a little cut of that action before the next time you say the word "mother" and show us your small, small panties at the same time, okay, Darlene? Photographer Guy tells Darlene Smith that her mother was "wrong." Darlene Smith giggles because that's what fifteen-year-old spies do, people.

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