Episode Report CardDjb: F | Grade It Now!
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Photographer Guy (since he doesn't seem to be going anywhere, let's just call him "Cam," which is, as is my understanding, the nickname for "Camera") walks Darlene Smith to Goldman's office and knocks. Who's there? Extraneous subplot. Extraneous subplot who? Exactly. Cam tells Larry that Darlene "has never done adult before" as she sits down across from Goldman at his desk. He should have a much bigger office. Barely looking up, Goldman asks Darlene how old she is, and she volunteers that she's "nineteen...almost twenty." She's from South Dakota. Only now does Larry look up, launching in, asking how her parents will feel when they see her having sex on film. Darlene responds that her mom works at Wal-Mart, but that she's not narrow-minded. She adds that she wants to "act" (Goldman's word, not mine) in adult films because her boyfriend taped her once during sex and she got really turned on. Yeah, well, once a friend of mine took a picture of me in front of a tiger cage at The Mirage, but it didn't make me want to run off and join the circus. Goldman draws an even worse parallel than that one you just read there, telling her, "Working in adult films is like getting a tattoo." Meh? "It's permanent." Oh. "On tape, on DVD, streaming over the internet. Forever." But Darlene Fake Smith has her answer at the ready, telling him that she wants to do it so she can be "part of forever." Dude, plant a tree in Israel or something. There have to be easier ways. Goldman suggests becoming "a large-animal veterinarian." Huh? A what? Why not just "a veterinarian"? She doesn't understand either, responding, "I thought this was supposed to be an audition." And I thought it was a show about barely legal teens getting it on! We're so past the expectations game at this point, Darlene, wouldn't you say? Cam begins to remove Darlene from the premises, but Darlene breaks free, advancing on Goldman and insisting that she belongs in this business and that she'll do anything to prove it. Anything? "Anything." I think she's getting a bit fresh with Mr. Goldman, wouldn't you say? He stares right at her while telling Cam to give her money for a plane ticket home. She's mad that she doesn't get to be naked on the porn show. Goldman shakes his head, because he is valiant and Good. Man. With the heightened level of "don't worry about me, we'll just sit here in the dark" going on at the Roam house, you'd think that they they were the Jewish ones. Adam sits at a table and jumps when a phone rings. Mama Roam gets to it first, and an "Eric from the track team identifies himself." Oh, Mama Roam. If only you had told us your first name was "Patsy," we could have done away with your overly generalized nickname so very long ago. She hands the phone to Adam as "Eric" hands the phone to Jew-liet, sitting outside at what looks like the pool in the back of Hearst Castle. Rich. Right. Got it. Jew-liet makes "Eric" go away, leaving him with an even smaller part than Brother 1.0. What this woman does to the men in her life, I tell you what. Adam takes the phone under his mother's watchful eye and her insistence that he has "two minutes," and then pretends that he's talking to a dude with no real desire to convince anyone, muttering things like "really" and "great" in response to Jew-liet's emphatic cries of "I love you." Aww, we love you too. She tells Adam that she feels like she should "feel different," but that she doesn't actually feel different. All she knows is that she wants to be with Adam all the time. Adam reminds "Eric" that he's grounded, and she responds with steely conviction that she's going to find a way for them to see each other. Mama Roam looks on, and Adam changes gears to the dude-talking, "Track meet's on Friday, so I'll just see you then." Jew-liet loves Adam and misses him. They hang up, a full minute and three seconds before his mother's time limit. "I wasn't born yesterday," snarks Mama Roam. Well, put those two licenses up to your face and prove it.