Meta, meta, meta, meta, meta! This week's episode wants us to know that they are onto us internet freaks who dissect every aspect of a TV show, comic book or movie. We are freaks! Did Aaron Sorkin write this episode? Anyhoo, when a film studio improbably chooses a small town in Kansas with no local film crews to shoot a Warrior Angel movie adaptation, Clark ends up saving the film's female star, played by the bite-sized but cute Christina Milian, from a car accident on the set. Suddenly, the actress is hitting on Clark, and the tabloids think Clark is dating her. Luckily, Clark has a protective Lana Blue Ball Force Field around him, and the actress believes Clark and Lana belong together. Awww (gag). An online geek who happens to be a production assistant on the movie is trying to kill Christina Milian in order to keep the movie producers from allowing Warrior Angel's girlfriend to live. Apparently, she dies in the comic book version. Hasn't this guy ever heard of recasting? Anyway, he tries to swap out blanks for real bullets in a prop gun, but Clark intercepts the bullet. The fanboy sees it and decides that Clark is the real superhero. He tries to kill Lana by dropping her off a building in order to give Clark a kick in the ass to start being a global superhero (awesome idea, by the way), but as we long-timers know, you can never kill Lana. Clark jumps off the roof and somehow saves her in a close-enough approximation of flying. Meanwhile, on what could have been a whole other episode, we find out that Papa Luthor is being held hostage, Misery-style, by a crazy lady with a cabin near the farm. It wasn't washed away? Papa Luthor manages to escape, but he gets a big shovel to the face from Lana, who has been paying the woman to hold Papa captive. Snooping Lois finds out that a Luthor bought the land near the dam and gets busted by Lex when she tries to sneak in his office for more info. Lex uses what Lois found out to track down Papa Luthor at the cabin, and Lex tries to free him. Papa Luthor kills the crap out of his former captor with his bare hands. Later, Papa Luthor confronts Lana about what happened and suggests that she's quite the sneaky pinky these days. Lex, a big Warrior Angel fan until his breakup with Clark, tracks down the comic book fan, who ends up in Belle Reve. Lex tries to bribe him with priceless Warrior Angel comics for information about Clark's abilities, but the fan refuses to talk. Lana blah blahs about not wanting to hold Clark back from his destiny. Clark receives a gift from Christina Milian: a big, obvious red cape. He sticks it on a fence post and goes inside the Kent home to keep leading his incredibly boring life with Lana for the time being.
We open on...a flying penis? Oh, wait, let me take these novelty prescription glasses off...ah. It's just a bald guy wearing a mask and a superhero costume being rigged up to look like he's flying. Triumphant music swells. The guy, wearing a red cape, is being held up by wires. We see a crane against the backdrop of Kent Farm as a camera crew captures this extreme lack of action. It's a bold choice shooting this outdoors instead of with a green screen. Our camera pulls back as a director on set yells, "Cut!" and the penis...er, "superhero" is lowered.
We see lots of film-related activity and equipment, but we don't dwell on this. Instead, we go to Chloe and Clark, who are standing nearby. She's pleased that Clark gave permission for filming, thereby bringing a little Hollywood to town. There are myriad things wrong with all this, but I'll only point out a few. First of all, given Clark's penchant for secrecy and his newly arrived cousin, he'd never agree to let something so public happen on his farm. Second, a major film production would never go start shooting in a town that has no local film crews or talent just to save a few bucks unless it was necessary to film in a specific location. In this case, it isn't. But, whatever. It's just a big, dumb TV show. Clark complains that he didn't know half of Hollywood would come to the farm. This actually looks pretty small-scale. Where are all the expensive trailers? Chloe points out the irony of filming the "bazillion-dollar budget" Warrior Angel film in a single-theater town. They never mention how much Clark is getting paid for the use of his farm. Chloe wonders who doesn't love the story of a small-town boy who grows up to fight the evil Devilicus, and grins. Clark says he didn't know Chloe was such a follower of the comics. She says she's not; fiction's more interesting than reality for her right now. She rants about how much dating sucks. Wow, Chloe's wearing a pretty skimpy dark green top. Is she looking to get cast? Chloe says she's had lots of time to create Kara's fake backstory. It involves posing for the cover of Stuff magazine. She says that Kara's identity is "practically Google-proof." Clark hopes she appreciates that when she clears her head and comes home.
A very busy-looking production assistant with pens all around his neck and a clipboard in his hands asks for everyone to move back. Another guy holds up a pretty umbrella to shade a delicate actress walking by. It's recording artist Christina Milian! She is literally three feet two inches tall. You could stick her on top of a cake and she would not fall through it. People gawk as Chloe tells Clark that this girl, "Rachel Davenport," is practically her own constellation. I can't possibly remember that, so I'm calling her Christina Milian. As Christina walks by wearing huge dark glasses, Chloe says that the girl has nixed all press interviews. Chloe thinks an exclusive with the actress would put the snap back in her editor's suspenders. Ew.