Smallville

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Omar G: C+ | 2 USERS: C
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A very busy-looking production assistant with pens all around his neck and a clipboard in his hands asks for everyone to move back. Another guy holds up a pretty umbrella to shade a delicate actress walking by. It's recording artist Christina Milian! She is literally three feet two inches tall. You could stick her on top of a cake and she would not fall through it. People gawk as Chloe tells Clark that this girl, "Rachel Davenport," is practically her own constellation. I can't possibly remember that, so I'm calling her Christina Milian. As Christina walks by wearing huge dark glasses, Chloe says that the girl has nixed all press interviews. Chloe thinks an exclusive with the actress would put the snap back in her editor's suspenders. Ew.

They start filming a new scene. The director says, "Action." Very calmly. No big deal. Just a little action going on here. Christina -- wearing a super-tight dress -- walks to a waiting car while talking on a cell phone. On a monitor, we see the back of the vehicle, which rolls off into the horizon. The director, holding a coffee cup, says, "Cut." Everyone notices that the car keeps on going. Inside the car, a walkie-talkie tells Christina to stop the car. "What the hell?" she asks. The brakes aren't working. Clark asks Chloe if this was supposed to happen. (A song by The Cult is playing. Rock on.) Clark, bright light washing on him, uses his superhearing. He hears Christina panic inside the car. We see the car crashing against a fence post. Somehow it launches into the air -- Kent Farm is apparently hiding some underground trampolines -- and spins in the air. Christina's body flies out of the window in an amusingly fake way, and Clark is there to do a spinning catch. Nice one! Clark bends down to shield her from the flying vehicle. A car door seems to hit Clark in the back of the head. The prop car skids to a halt on its back, and explodes. Christina, bloodied a bit, is awake in Clark's arms. "So, you just totally saved my life," she says. "You're amazing." Hey, you're not so bad yourself, itty-bitty Christina Milian. Holla!

Opening credits. Commercials. The Verizon Juke cell phone: finally, a cell phone for hyperactive dancing jackasses.

Kent Farm, daytime. Clark is outside, bitterly planting fence posts with his hands. Stupid film industry! Messing up my precious fences! Lana, wearing a loose white top, comes out of the house and says she can think of other ways to burn calories. Why, you little pink minx! Clark gets a superchubby, and says he didn't hear Lana come in the night before. What with his superhearing and all. Lana says that Clark was asleep when she got home from Nell's, and that he was too cute to awaken. Clark makes a girly face. Lana says that even heroes need their beauty sleep. She pulls out a copy of the Smallville Ledger, which leads with the headline, "Local hero Clark Kent saves Hollywood starlet." Nobody on the set wondered how Clark was standing there one second and holding the actress a quarter-mile away the next? Lana says that after all these years of reading the articles, you'd think she'd have figured it out. You'd think the newspaper would have figured it out. Lana gushes that she's glad she's seen "the light." Whatevers. Clark is glad that Hollywood is gone. But it only lasts a second. The PA, still looking a mess, exits from an arriving limousine to tell Clark that Christina has requested to see him on the set. Since when do PAs get to ride around in limos? Usually they have to bring their own very cheap little cars to go do errands. Lana, a little cocky, says it looks like she's not Clark's only fan.

The Talon. The marquee reads, "Super Mocha Mondays." I prefer "Coffee Colonics Thursdays." Inside, the PA, who is wearing a Warrior Angel cap and a giant earpiece (hasn't this guy heard of Bluetooth?), leads Clark in, but tells him to keep it short because Christina's really busy. Clark's told not to ask for an autograph. Clark gives him a look, like, "Thanks, dick. You dragged me here." There's commotion and lots of people milling about, the coffee shop having been turned into a movie set. Clark tries not to knock anything over. Christina notices Clark and stands up. She's wearing a tight white gown with her boobs hanging out in a way that would make even Beyoncé jealous. She tells everyone to take a break so that she and Clark can have a five-minute one-on-one. She obviously doesn't have much faith in Clark's staying power. She tells Clark that they're shooting the famous "date scene" today, and that Warrior Angel is about to stand her up. On what? Because she's really tiny. You could stand her up on pretty much anything, no problem. Clark, lame, says that, in Warrior Angel's defense, there's probably a really good reason he doesn't show up to the date. Christina comes over to Clark and tells him that she wanted to thank him personally. What he did, she says, was really brave. Clark is just glad she's not in the hospital. Good Christ, so am I. Christina says that she got her start on a medical drama, which she calls two seasons of bad memories. She picks up a book with a piece of paper stuck in it. It's a William Shakespeare joint. Clark doesn't know what she's talking about with the medical drama. Christina is surprised Clark hasn't memorized her acting bio, and finds that cute, it seems. Clark says that he doesn't watch a lot of movies. Christina says it's refreshing for someone to see the real her, not the tabloid version. This version wears underwear. PA With Headset interrupts, Chloe in tow. She has something really important to tell Clark. Clark introduces Chloe as his friend from The Daily Planet, and mentions that Chloe would love to interview Christina. They shake hands. Chloe is starstruck. Christina says that she doesn't do interviews, but that she'll make an exception for Clark's friend. If Chloe were wearing something else, this might be a Battle Of The Network Cleavages. Chloe says that she's got news to share: an examination of the car showed that somebody jimmied (ack, she had to use that word) the accelerator and cut the brake line. Chloe says the only accident was that Clark saved her life. D'oh! Dramatic music. (It's not that dramatic, really.)

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Smallville

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