Episode Report Card
Omar G: C+ | 2 USERS: C

Commercials. Jerry Jones is the Papa Luthor of NFL football.

The Barnness of Milianitude. Christina is asking Clark if he's different from other men. Not in the closet he's not. "How can you ask me that?" Clark asks quietly. "You barely know me." Christina advances on him aggressively and says she sees that he's got a secret so powerful it won't let him get close to anyone. Wide shot as Clark is backing up, suffering from severe boner shame. We now see that he's holding a red script and trying to read from it. He says Christina should be with someone who can give her the love she deserves. She says that Clark is that someone, and tackles him onto the couch, straddling him. Poor defenseless Clark! She's got Kryptovagina. Clark awkwardly tries to read from the script. Christina keeps purring out her lines. She tries to kiss him, but Clark backs his head away. She says it's all right, and that it's part of the scene. She raises her eyebrows a little to signal that it's totally not part of the scene, and tries to kiss him again. Clark dodges again and says he has a..."Girlfriend?" Lana finishes. Pssst! She's standing right behind you, Christina! Christina, her butt sticking out, only turns her head. Lana just stands there, giving her a stern but slightly amused look. Clark holds up his red script to prove that they were rehearsing lines. He starts to introduce the actress, but Christina does so herself. Lana shakes her hand like there are no hard feelings. They both look to Clark expectantly. One of them has a loose white top. The other one's white top is so tight you can tell if she has any wayward moles. I'll leave you to figure out which one was wearing what. Lana says she hopes Clark saved some of those lines to use on her later. Wow, Lana really wants to fuck Clark. Clark, are you sure you want to be wasting time helping out rich actor types? You have some chores to do around the bedroom! Some fields to plow! Some seeds to plant! Clark smiles goofily. The boner shame is gone. Now it's boner-pride day. Christina says she's going to excuse herself to the kitchen, and have some cookies and whole milk. She says it a little snidely like she's rather be doing tequila shots with Rick Salomon.

After Christina's gone, Lana smiles at Clark. She says she didn't realize Christina was staying at the farm. Yeah, Clark, you really should have cleared that one with the live-in girlfriend. Clark says he thinks that the farm (the place where they've been shooting a movie, mind you) is a little more off-the-radar. Was the top of the Empire State Building not available? Lana, putting on her sneaky face, says she didn't want to say so in front of Christina, but that Chloe may have found a clue about the saboteur. Chloe got sidetracked by her editor, but that she emailed Clark and Lana something. Lana printed it out and put it in a folder. Because email isn't efficient on its own. Lana shows Clark on a laptop a "Warrior Angel discussion forum." Also, "online." Clark asks, "Internet blogs?" No, Clark. Discussion forum. Lana says that it turns out not all the fans are enthusiastic about the film's interpretation. No, we're not that excited about Lana Lang. Lana says that the film stays true to the comics in all ways but one: in the comics, Warrior Angel's girlfriend dies. "And in the movie...she doesn't," Clark surmises. Give the man a brain cookie. Clark adds, "Blogs, messages boards, fan forums...these are all pretty extreme." Let us please take a moment to thank uncredited teleplay writer Aaron Sorkin for his brilliant contributions to this week's episode. We wouldn't know we were ghoulish online freaks if he hadn't been there to tell us. Clark asks how we're supposed to narrow this down to one psycho ready to kill. Oh, this show makes all of us want to kill...ourselves. Lana points out one poster who's getting even more extreme: he's been posting that Warrior Angel lives in solitude and that Christina's blood will unleash the truth. See, I have been saying for years that it's Lana's blood that will unleash the truth, but every time they kill her, she just comes back. She's like a cat with about six lives left. Sadly.

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