Crying baby. That's a portly little baby. Clark and Bo Duke enter the exam room. Lana is holding the child. MamaKent is beaming. This baby is like crack cocaine for her. Lana complains that the baby won't stop crying. Geez, baby! What's the deal, man! At least when Lana cries, it's for a good reason! Teen angst! MamaKent says that the crying is a good sign that the baby is healthy. The cries of a child are like sweet maple syrup to MamaKent. And she's on a sugar high. Lana says she's going to get more formula for the baby. Why not breastfeed? Oh. Right. Lana. Lana moves to hand the baby to Clark. He's like, "Me!? Are you kidding? I will crush him with my clumsy hands like a grape under a cinderblock! Did I say that out loud?" Clark holds the baby and it quiets instantly. Clark smiles. Huh. Baby. Lana says that someone must have the magic touch. Clark suddenly misses Lex. Smiles all around. Lana exits. MamaKent touches the baby's foot. Oh, sweet babyfoot! Mmmm, that's good babyfoot. Clark asks where Child Services is. MamaKent says they're not coming; they have no room, so they'll keep the baby in the hospital until they're able to take him. Clark is offended by that idea. He says that maybe the baby can come stay with them. First Lois, then the dog, now a baby? But, sure, I'm certain they'll let you walk right out with a baby. Bo looks concerned. MamaKent just won the heroin lottery. It would be silly how baby-crazy she is at this moment if it wasn't sad that she lost hers. But of course, that won't be mentioned in this episode. Close-up of the baby. The closed-captioning has someone asking the baby, "What do you think?" which is cute, but didn't make it to the final edit.

Smallville High. Where no one ever actually goes to class.

The Torch. Chloe is pouring from an industrial coffeemaker's carafe. They allow that thing in the school? I don't ever remember us having coffee at our school paper or any of the vending machines. Then again, when I was in high school, the height of drink coolness was Snapple. Chloe is telling Lana that she once found an arrowhead in Evans Field, but never a baby in a crater. Lana says that it was "weird." She says that what's weirder is Clark's reaction to the baby. Yeah, that's certainly weirder than a baby in a giant steaming crater. Lana tells Chloe that Clark is completely at ease when he holds the kid. Lana then says that Clark is a "natural-born baby burper." I can't wait to find out if that's canon. Clark walks in and says he's got the spit-up stains to prove it. Then he finds out they were talking about the baby. Whups. Clark calls the baby "the crying machine," and says that every time he put the child down, it started crying again. Lana offers to come over and help. Chloe does not. Clark asks Lana to pick up some formula on the way. "How are you on diapers?" she asks. Rebecca and I are terrified of exactly these kinds of conversations. Chloe interrupts the domestic conversation to tell them that before they pick out schools for the kid, they might want to look at something. Chloe says she had her emergency-services contact look up 911 calls from around the time they found the baby. All highly illegal. She plays a sound bite of the episode's opening scene with the mom screaming. "She sounds so scared," Lana pouts. Lana tries to remember that sound for when she might have to emote it. Lana notes that the guy in the call left the girl. Clark says that means the dude might still be alive. Chloe says glumly that it doesn't sound like the mother was as lucky. Lana pouts some more. Clark squints. "She didn't even get to see her own baby," Lana whines. Chloe asks a good question: how did the baby survive all this? Clark asks if Chloe can trace the call back to the cell phone that placed it. Chloe has the dispatcher's software right on her computer? Clark says that the father might have some answers for them.