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Zero To 60 In Three Days

Hey, everybody. Three episodes left. Can we make it? I'm going to say yes.

A dark back road. A sporty car is barreling down the street. Inside, two teens are pretty frantic. The girl in the passenger seat is on the phone, telling someone that she needs help and that there isn't enough time. She screams. We pull back to show that her belly, full of baby, is ready to burst. The boy, who is driving, grabs the phone and yells at the person on the other end of the line, telling them that this is an emergency. "It's too late, it's too late," the girl says. Suddenly, her belly starts to glow. She's a Glo-Worm Mommy! The belly glows greenish yellow, then pink. "It's coming!" she cries. The driver is like, "Hooooooly shit!" He swerves off the road, smartly hits a gnarly branch, and ends up stopping the car in an empty green field. It's hard to tell if it's the girl's belly or her hoo-ha that's glowing. If it's not her belly, I can tell you that she might have a bright future career in the entertainment industry. She cries to the driver, "What's happening to me?" Dude is like, "I, uh...GROSS!" Her belly continues glowing, but now there's something thumping to get out. "I'm sorry!" the guy says and runs out of the car. See ya! Sent me a text message and let me know where you're registered, 'kay? She screams for him not to leave, but it's too late. Papa is a rolling stone. The glow goes nuclear. The mother screams. The light turns into a crazy blast of illumination. It spills onto the road, even. Ew, light-based afterbirth! It seems to cover the pavement in misty birth muss. A car on the road brakes suddenly and stops. Inside the car: one Miss Lana Lang (on her driver's license, it says, "Hair: Pretty, preternatural") and one Mr. Clark Kent, doofus-at-large. They like each other again. Clark asks if she's all right. Lana says yeah, and asks what that was just now. Clark thinks it must have come from Evans Field. Or from his pants.

We cut to a crater's-eye view of Clark and Lana approaching a giant hole. Hey, it's almost a metaphor for the gaping quagmire that is Season 4! Jump in, Lana! The Superman Music of Discovery is playing. In the mist inside the crater, a baby cries. Clark and Lana look at each other. To my complete and utter surprise, Lana does actually jump in the hole. "Lana, wait!" Clark calls. She whips off her blue scarf and rushes down. Lana's scarf has magically transformed into a blue blanket that neatly swaddles the tiny baby. Great Gerber! Lana and Clark stare at each other. Clark thinks, stupidly, "Uh, is it mine?" The camera pulls back dramatically as Lana and Clark stand inside the crater. Back. Back. A little bit further back, please? All right. We can see now that it's a pretty big crater. Opening credits.

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