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Omar G: C | Grade It Now!
Zero To 60 In Three Days

Smallville High. Where no one ever actually goes to class.

The Torch. Chloe is pouring from an industrial coffeemaker's carafe. They allow that thing in the school? I don't ever remember us having coffee at our school paper or any of the vending machines. Then again, when I was in high school, the height of drink coolness was Snapple. Chloe is telling Lana that she once found an arrowhead in Evans Field, but never a baby in a crater. Lana says that it was "weird." She says that what's weirder is Clark's reaction to the baby. Yeah, that's certainly weirder than a baby in a giant steaming crater. Lana tells Chloe that Clark is completely at ease when he holds the kid. Lana then says that Clark is a "natural-born baby burper." I can't wait to find out if that's canon. Clark walks in and says he's got the spit-up stains to prove it. Then he finds out they were talking about the baby. Whups. Clark calls the baby "the crying machine," and says that every time he put the child down, it started crying again. Lana offers to come over and help. Chloe does not. Clark asks Lana to pick up some formula on the way. "How are you on diapers?" she asks. Rebecca and I are terrified of exactly these kinds of conversations. Chloe interrupts the domestic conversation to tell them that before they pick out schools for the kid, they might want to look at something. Chloe says she had her emergency-services contact look up 911 calls from around the time they found the baby. All highly illegal. She plays a sound bite of the episode's opening scene with the mom screaming. "She sounds so scared," Lana pouts. Lana tries to remember that sound for when she might have to emote it. Lana notes that the guy in the call left the girl. Clark says that means the dude might still be alive. Chloe says glumly that it doesn't sound like the mother was as lucky. Lana pouts some more. Clark squints. "She didn't even get to see her own baby," Lana whines. Chloe asks a good question: how did the baby survive all this? Clark asks if Chloe can trace the call back to the cell phone that placed it. Chloe has the dispatcher's software right on her computer? Clark says that the father might have some answers for them.

Speaking of fathers with answers, we cut to a Metropolis skyline. My favorite person from Somewhere in Time who isn't Christopher Reeve -- Jane Seymour -- is in a room right out of an '80s primetime soap. She stands by a table pruning an orchid. No, that's not a euphemism. Papa Luthor enters, holding his coat over his shoulder like the debonair man he is. Hey, what's up with his hair? Oh, man, it's in that awkward stage. The Magnificent Bastard is sporting the beginnings of what some of the kids these days call a "Jewfro." Richly, Papa Luthor says, "Genevieve...I'm not accustomed to being summoned like a lapdog." Tingles! The camera gets her in tight foreground close-up while Papa Luthor stands blurry in the back. Jane: "Don't be silly, Lionel. I'd never allow you in my lap." Papa Luthor enters the room. Mighty 'fro! He asks why he's there, if not for the "pleasure" of her company. She tells him that the piper's gotta be paid. It wasn't easy getting Papa Luthor released from maximum-security prison. She says she's yet to receive any gratitude. Dude! She wants your gratitude! Go give it! Papa Luthor says saucily that's he's been struggling with a thank-you note, but that words seem to fail him. Jane Seymour gets right down to it: Lex just returned from China with the missing element. She wants Papa Luthor to retrieve it for her. Papa says she's got the wrong dude. He says that Jason was the one who brought it back. Jane says that Jason is incapable of such underhanded chicanery. She says he inherited his intelligence from her husband's side of the family. So much for the theory that Papa Luthor might have sired yon Jason. Wryly, Papa Luthor says he never thought she married well. Well, well, well. She says Lex received his genes from a "far more cunning source." A linguist? Papa says that there were other folks in China when it happened. Hell, a billion other people. "A farmboy, an ex-cheerleader, and Lex Luthor," Jane says. It does sound pretty stupid when you put it like that. Papa says his son hasn't listened to him for years, and asks what she wants him to do: "Give him a good spanking?" This isn't HoYay, in case you're wondering. It's just bad-assedness. Jane is left speechless by that. She must have a good imagination. Papa chuckles. Drinks some Scotch. Jane changes tactics: she says that neither one of them should want her to go after Lex for the stone. Papa Luthor almost spits up his drink. Listen here, beeyatch: Papa looks at her seriously and warns her that he regards a threat to any Luthor as a threat to him. "I want that stone," she spits, "Lionel." Papa Luthor takes a drink and stews as the magnificent machinery of his brain begins to crank and turn.

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