Episode Report Card
Tippi Blevins: C+ | Grade It Now!
Patriot Acting Up

The episode opens with an aerial shot of Smallville, which looks a lot flatter and Kansan from up high than it does on land, what with the mountains and hilly forests that sometimes magically appear. A black van speeds down a country road. Inside, a youngish man studies an array of monitors. He's probably a bad guy, because he's wearing all black and has a goatee, which are two of the most widely accepted symbols of evil in fiction. "Our eyes on the ground report the target is in Smallville, sir," he says in what sounds like a vaguely Eastern European accent. (Which, given who the character is supposed to be, seems like an odd choice. But we'll get to that later.) As he moves to one side, our old friend and torture enthusiast Rick Flag comes into view. He studies the monitors, as well, noting that everything is on schedule.

At the Kent farm, Clark and Lois are just skipping down the stairs into the kitchen, looking mighty pleased with themselves and each other. Clark is in his jammies while Lois traipses about in one of his old football jerseys. She gazes appreciatively at his backside as he fishes around in the fridge for a pitcher of orange juice. They smile goofily at each other across the kitchen island, go "teehee!" for a bit and then sip their juice in silence. After some more goofy staring, Clark asks, "So what are you in the mood for?" She gives him the bedroom eyes. "Oh, I'm in the mood," she says, leaning across the island toward him. "Just not for breakfast." She walks toward the front door. Clark, ever the puritan, reminds her that the bedroom is upstairs. In turn, she reminds him that her intended destination -- the porch swing -- is out front. She tosses her hair over her shoulder and heads for the door. He super-zips to catch up with her, pressing her up against the door. They start making out.

Back in the black van, Goatee seems concerned that the "target" is headed for the Kent farm. The monitor shows a red blinking dot headed for the Suicide Squad's skull symbol, which marks Clark's location. (His location is about to be all up in Lois's business. She's peeling off his shirt and halfway to climbing up Mount Clarky.) "Target is closing in on farmhouse," Goatee says in the van. At the same time, Lois is pulling a shirtless Clark through the front door, porch swing prominent in her thoughts, when a man in full military dress arrives on their doorstep. "Daddy!" Lois greets him. "General Lane," Clark says. The General regards these two horny exhibitionists with such a withering look that Clark's goodies shrivel to raisin-like proportions. Man, I bet he's glad they weren't in the middle of doing it when he pulled up. He probably never would have gotten it up again. A young woman joins the General, much to Lois's surprise: "And Lucy!" It doesn't seem like especially pleasant surprise, even factoring out the coitus interruptus. "Happy turkey day, Sis!" Lucy says. "The whole Lane family is together for the holidays." Clark is sucking in his stomach so hard that his navel is going to reappear on his back. Somebody save us all from relatives who show up for surprise visits this holiday season!

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