Episode Report Card
Omar G: B- | Grade It Now!
It's a Wonderful Life (But Not Such a Wonderful Show)

Clark starts walking down the stairs, trying to ignore Chloe. She follows, telling him she understands how last time he messed with the past, it cost his father's life. However, she says Clark doesn't have a choice. Clark thinks he does. He says that ever since he arrived, he's only brought out meteor freaks and phantoms, and by extension, death. Also: suffering. Well, yes, but let's go beyond the effect on me. Chloe reminds Clark that he's done so much good. When you first heard there'd be a TV show about Superman, did you ever imagine that after seven seasons, he'd be this whiny bitch who would rather moan about his poor self than save the world? Clark says he's taking responsibility for the lives he's ruined, including Lana's. Chloe desperately asks him not to be stubborn. She tells him not to do this. "We need you! I need you!" Clark says that she won't ever know he was there and that she'll be fine. Chloe, on the verge of tears, tells Clark she's not letting him off the hook that easy. She presses the disc into his hand. "This planet will be better off if I never existed!" Clark tells her. Suicide, much? Stare-down. The octagon begins to glow. A ray of light shoots up from the thing. Dammit, Chloe, look what you've done! This is going to take a whole episode to fix! A field of blue light surrounds Clark as Chloe says, "My God, Clark!" Clark disappears into a blip of tiny light.

Clark is now lying on the floor. He wakes up. There's hay around him. Hey! He stands. Clark calls for Chloe as the camera spins around him. Clark is in the barn, but sunlight comes in from one area at a time, as if giant soundstage lights are being turned on in order. "Hey, what the Hell are you doing on our property?" someone speak-mumbles. It's a skinny kid wearing a Smallville High letterman jacket. "What? Who are you?" Clark asks. The young man steps forward. He's got closed-cropped hair and looks about 16. "I'm Clark Kent," he says. Who the Hell are you? Dramatic music flares up like a hemorrhoid.

Opening credits. Commercials. Really long Speed Racer trailer. Well that was... colorful?

Kent Farm, daytime. Clark (the whiny Kryptonian one) throws open the kitchen door, but is mindful enough to grab it so it doesn't slam against the wall. Everything in the kitchen looks the same except one thing: a framed photo shows this other, dickish Clark Kent instead of Kal-El Original Recipe Clark, standing next to Bo Duke and MamaKent. I am going to kill that dirty photographer! Clark Kent II walks in through the open kitchen door. "Hey! What are you doing?" he asks. He's all out of focus. Wow, Kal-El, it really is about keeping the camera focused on you the whole time this week, isn't it? He says he's not in the picture. "You're their son," Kal-El says. Clark II says that he is and that he's lucky Bo Duke wasn't around or he'd have busted out with the 12-gauge. Original Recipe Clark's eyebrows rise. "He's alive?" he asks, happily. He doesn't wait for an answer. He starts to go up the stairs, calling, "Dad?" "What's your problem?" Clark II asks. Kid, do you have about 12 hours to hear them all? The teen says that nobody's home and that if this stranger doesn't get out of his house, he's calling the sheriff. "I never made it to Earth. I don't exist here," Original Clark says to himself. Yeah, I'm sure that makes perfect sense to this sleeker new model of Clark Kentiness. "Well, unfortunately, you do," the kid says. He mentions that he still hasn't been told what this douchebag is doing in his house. I think I like this kid more than the real Clark. Pacing, Original Clark says that somehow he's here anyway, even though he never got on that ship. The kid offers to give this crazy person some help. Clark the First says he needs to talk to Bo Duke and MamaKent. The kid says they're away on a cruise, celebrating Bo Duke's birthday. Wow, this farm really took off without an alien there to do all the work. Must be all those government subsidies. Clark Part One asks about Lana Lang. The kid doesn't know her. He offers to call the sheriff. Clark in the First says it's all right. He just wants to check on his friends and needs to use the phone. I wait for the kid to offer a third time to call the Sheriff.

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