Episode Report Card
Omar G: B- | Grade It Now!
It's a Wonderful Life (But Not Such a Wonderful Show)

Commercials. Indiana Jones and the Dr. Pepper of Doom? Delicious, I guess.

The not-so-mean streets of Alternate Metropolis. Clark and Lois enter an incredibly spacious apartment. Lois says it's handy having a meteor freak on her side. "I'm not a meteor freak," Clark tells her. I'm meteor-special. "Right," Lois says, unconvinced. Clark tosses a useless doorknob, which he broke off, aside. Hey, clean that up! Lois says this place may be a mess, but Jimmy Olsen's loft is the last place Lex's "Stormtroopers" would come looking for them. How the Hell does Jimmy afford a place like this? It's huge! Clark asks why Lois is in such danger. As she sits at Jimmy's Dell computer, she tells Clark that she's in possession of a classified document that shows Lex is putting the country in danger. Lois shows Clark a news video site. Lex, as a press conference, is telling the United States that our enemy (unspecified) has deployed missiles within striking range of the country. Damn you, Canada! He's wearing the white suit and showing off his snazzy black leather glove. He says this threat won't be tolerated and that we have no choice but to answer with force. Insert pointed political remark about the current real-life state of the world here. Lois, still staring at the screen, tells Clark that the missile threat is as phony as her uncle's hairpiece. Yay? Lois says the missiles don't exist. Clark isn't surprised that Lex would lie, but he asks why Lex would create a national crisis over something that wasn't there. Lois, taking off her jacket, says that she overheard one of her recent captors saying they were going to take the "Eagle" to the "Mountaintop." Maybe they're really environmentalists. Did you check to see if there was a baby eagle in the car with you? Clark says it must be some kind of code. Brilliant. You get the gold star for deduction this week. Lois says it means they're moving Lex to the NORAD bunker. She says there's only one reason to do that; nuclear war. Yikes! Lois has deduced that this all means Lex wants to give the enemy a sucker-punch with a preemptive nuclear strike. Wow, what kind of country would do a thing like that? Lois says she needs to get this on the front page before Lex pushes the button. Clark whines about how in a nuclear war both sides would destroy each other. Yeah, yeah, we saw Wargames too, Clark. Lois says that's the part she doesn't get: Lex isn't suicidal. "Why would he want to hit Earth's 'Delete' key?" she asks. On the computer screen, we see the camera shift to another person. Standing next to Lex is Brainiac, wearing a natty suit. "Because of him!" Clark says. Lois says that Milton Fine, the chief of staff, is powerful, but not "Nuclear bomb powerful." Clark mutters that somehow Brainiac managed to get here. He tells her that Milton SoFine is behind all of it. He thinks Brainiac doesn't care what happens to the planet because he's a machine. Lois is skeptical. She says he may be a little stiff on Larry King, but she's not sure about an android. Clark, not making sense to anyone but us, says that he thought things would be better if he didn't get involved, but it turns out things are worse than he ever imagined. Lois asks what any of this has to do with Clark. "You're an android, aren't you?!" she asks. It sure seems like it sometimes. Clark says he's the one person who can defeat SoFine. Lois squints at him. Clark asks if Lois trusts him. She doesn't answer. Instead, she tells Clark that Lex is holding a press conference in Smallville in 20 minutes. How does she propose they get to Smallville in 20 minutes? She tells Clark there's a briefcase with the nuclear launch codes. Clark plans to destroy that. Lois warns that they guard the nuclear football like the Hope Diamond. I would hope they guard it a little better than that. Clark is confident he'll get past security. Lois tells him that even if he gets through, he'll stick out like a red-blue thumb. Clark looks down at his clothes, as if noticing they suck for the first time. She says he'll need to blend in.

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