Smallville
Smallville

Episode Report Card
Omar G: C+ | 590 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
Chick-Magnet Of The Sea

A voice on an intercom system says that the weapon is submerged, and that the visitors are in the waiting area. Lex says they'll have to pick this up later. "Please!" Aquadude pleads three times. Dude, he is thirsty! Where da Big Gulp at? Our fishy friend says he doesn't care what Lex does to him (except for the part where he was crying, "Please!"), but that Lex should just destroy the weapon. "Okay!" Lex says sarcastically. "You convinced me!" Tool. Lex says he's spent $100 million on research and development, and that shutting down the project would put the nation's fleet at risk: "You might be a big fish in the water, but up here I'm the shark." He pours out the glass of water as Aquadude watches in horror. Yeah, this is for my homies...Dr. Doom. Green Goblin. Zod. Keep ya heads up, yo.

Dried-out Aquadude moans weakly for help. He's not much without fluids, is he? And who should whoosh into the room but dry-personality Clark? Clark sees Aquadude strapped to the table. Aquadude sees Clark, and we get a weird pan across his body. Is he sporting wood? It's hard to tell. There's water all around Clark, but instead of throwing some onto Aquadude, he opens up a valve that does God knows what. Turns out it activates a sprinkler system. Aquadude, mouth open, self-hydrates. His body oily, he sits up, growling. He breaks through his restraints. Mighty H20! Aquadude lifts his arms and opens his mouth and suddenly it's The Shawshank Redemption. Does that make Clark Rita Hayworth? Aquadude gives good all-male porn face. Clark asks if he's all right. "Wet and ready, bro!" Aquadude announces, giving Clark a slippery, thrusting smile and giving us the Gayest Look (and line) of the Episode. If you are in athletics, I urge you never to say "Wet and ready, bro!" in a locker-room situation. You will have your ass handed to you, probably after having your butt cheeks taped together. The wet and ready bro says there's security everywhere and he'll never make it to the test on time. Test on time, terrifies me, test on time, makes me party! Clark says he might be able to, with a little help. Aquadude gives Clark a big, dumb Matt Damon smile, and it's the second-gayest look of the episode. By a narrow margin.

Smallville

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