The Talon. Boppin' alt-crap plays as a large coffee cup fills with espresso, then spills over. Must be Lois's shift. She's sort of daydreaming while trying to will her Botoxed forehead into an expression. Must...look...dreamy...dammit! "I think it's full," says Aquadude, who is standing at the counter wearing an orange muscle shirt. He makes an awful, awful face with that smile. Lois lies that customers like their coffee spilled everywhere: "More bang for their buck." "I got a buck!" Aquadude offers. Yeah, the coffee is $3.95, jerky. Lois snarks that he should use it to buy some fashion sense. That costs thousands, chesty! Lois delivers coffee to a table while she and Aquadude engage in some seriously awkward staring. Lois glances down at Aquadude's package. He's wearing green shorts with a drawstring. Lois walks over to him just to say that his clothes look like Flipper threw up. That's our Lois Lane, ladies and gentlemen! Don't you just love her? America's sweetheart, I say. Is it too late to get a transplant? Aquadude, clearly undaunted by Lois's tragic Personality Deficit Disorder (PDD: we're thinking of starting a foundation) says that if Lois teaches him how to dress the way she likes, he'll teach her how to swim. Thus begins the Great Can Lois Swim? Debate of '05. It lasts about as long as '05. Highlights: Aquadude says that Lois has "pretty lungs," and she calls him "fish stick," which would make a lot more sense if she actually knew he was Aquaman. Aquadude says she was turning blue when she nearly drowned. She says it's a good color on her. Well, three episodes of good writing apparently stretched the limits of the budget. This dialogue came from CostCo. Lois says she practically lives in the water. "Me too," says Aquadude. Lois says she's a great swimmer. "Prove it," Aquadude says. The suspense, folks! It's killing me! This could be the greatest TV romance evah! Please. Someone. Save me.
A&M campus. SoFine is leaving a building when Clark comes up behind him, saying that they got off on the wrong foot and that he wants to apologize. SoFine, quite a bit smaller than Clark, says that if you're going to be late, you should do it with conviction. I gotta remember that one. Clark asks how SoFine knew his name. The professor asks what Clark did on his first day at campus. Clark got his picture taken for his ID. SoFine says that those pictures are in a database he studies to familiarize himself with students before classes start. He says it helps the learning process. This guy cares! SoFine asks how long Clark's been friends with Lex, an assumption he deduced from Clark's defense of his white knight. Clark says it's a long story, but that Lex isn't the man SoFine thinks. SoFine quotes Groucho Marx on honesty: to know if a man's honest, ask him. If he says yes, he's crooked. Clark says that he would think a professor would quote Karl Marx, not Groucho. Ouch, Clark, it hurts us when you try to be smart like that. The professor, wearing a blazer and jeans with a cool untucked shirt, says, "German philosophy is easy. Comedy is hard." I...I love him. Out of nowhere, SoFine offers Clark a job as a research assistant. He's working on a book about LuthorCorp, and says it would be a chance for Clark to find out the truth about Lex. Clark says he's not looking for a job. SoFine says the thing worse than speaking the truth is uncovering it. Clark is going to need about a year to mull that one over.