Aquaman: Pilot

Episode Report Card
Omar G: B- | Grade It Now!
Wet And Ready, Bro
Swimming at night. Two bodies dive into the water and...they are so naked. I see booby and asscheek and more booby. I think I can see her Aquavulva. If you're a sea creature with fake boobs, is that like imitation crab? Boobsy Bobbing and Aquaman emerge on the water's surface with a giant lighthouse flashing an enormous light behind them. Yeah, perfect spot for skinny dipping, fools. He tells her she's not so bad a swimmer herself. "Years of practice," she says. She floats up and almost flashes us before telling him they met once a long time ago. "You sure about that?" he asks, and says that he would have remembered her. "Let me refresh your memory," she says, smiling and dunks her head underwater. My God, how old were they when this blowjob took place? He waits, and we get an underwater shot where he's obviously wearing shorts now because we can't see his dangle. The girl's legs turn into a scaly tail. Uh oh! Trouble! On the surface, A.C. calls for Nadia and says she's starting to freak him out. Music strums as she resurfaces. Good God, the ugly stick! Homegirl does not look good without waterproof makeup. She's purple and has fangs and claws, and is just like Katherine Harris but with slightly less political motivation to destroy you. She claws at A.C. twice as he yells. Underwater, her long-ass thick tail writhes. Sadly, this is how almost every high school date of mine turned out. Something shoots the ugly sea serpent in the back. She arches her scaly torso and I totally see purple sea nipple. She turns, pissed, and sees Ving Rhames, wearing a beige trench coat and holding a crossbow. That. Is. Badass! She swims away as the action music keeps playing. A.C. swims to the water's edge where Ving The Badass is standing. All of a sudden, he's naked again. Ving sorta tries to avert his eyes as Aquaman rubs the claw wound on his chest and drags his ass onto the rocks. "I hate those damn things," Ving growls. Rocks? I hate them, too! Let's break some rocks together, Ving Rhames! A.C. asks what she was. "Get your clothes on," Ving tells him. "We need to talk." A.C. pivots, and Ving is thinking, "Put away the schlong. Put it away NOW." Blackout. A nice shampoo commercial could be good here. Something herbal. Back to Sea Cock On A Rock. A.C. touches his chest wounds, which have already turned into puffy scars with no blood on them. Can he heal quickly? He puts on a muscle shirt. Ving is forced to deliver the lines, "Once a siren has you in her gaze, there's nothing a man can do." He up-talks the "do" nicely. "Siren. Of course," A.C. says and thinks Ving must see them all the time. Ving says that he's seen his fair share, but his aim's a bit rusty. "The only way to kill those scaly bitches is to nail them between the eyes," Ving suddenly says. Whoah! Holy shit! I (heart) Ving! A.C. seems surprised and shocked by the statement. Listen, A.C., I understand. You want to be a good dolphin-saving guy, not a cold-blooded killer of seabitches. Listen, A.C. That's just pride fucking with you. Fuck pride. Pride never helps. It only hurts. "Who are you?" A.C. asks. Ving says that he's an exile, just like A.C. and his mother. A.C.'s thinking, We're all from Cuba? A.C. asks from where. Ving says it's called different names by different cultures, but he probably knows it by its most popular...Atlantis. To his credit, Ving keeps a straight face here. I think it was very wise to cast a bad-ass to deliver such goofy lines. If anyone on the crew giggles, he'll just whip their ass and dump them in the ocean. A.C. does break and, laughing, asks Ving to say hi to Captain Nemo and The Little Mermaid the next time he's in Atlantis. Kick his ass, Ving! Ving seems a little embarrassed. A.C. tells Ving to, "Lay off the booze, old man." Ouch! Respect your crossbow-wielding elders! As A.C. walks off, Ving calls out: "You can't run away from your true calling, Orrin!" His Tru Calling? They could use some Dushku over here. That, dramatically, stops A.C.

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