Aquaman: Pilot

Episode Report Card
Omar G: B- | Grade It Now!
Wet And Ready, Bro
The boat rises and sinks on the stormy sea. I wish I knew a shanty. Oh, here's one: "Blow, blow, blow the man down!" Wait, that's Smallville: The Early Years. Sorry. The boat is being pulled along by ropes held by the evil siren. We glance underwater and see her strong tail propelling things along. That mermaid's got back! In the cabin, bottles are breaking. A.C. manages to sit up. "Where is she taking us?" he asks. "Home. To Atlantis." Ving says. "To be executed." Wanna use some inflection anywhere there? No? Cool. You're the man. Moving on.... A.C. asks why she hasn't gutted them yet. Ving says that he's a symbol of hope. Or he would have been on a new, merged network. Oh well. Ving says that if A.C. is killed, that hope dies, too. A.C. says that he'll need water. "My flask. It's in my boot!" Ving tells him. Thank God it's not in his pants, because...awkward! A.C. manages to grab hold of it. "Smash it!" Ving yells. A.C. does. He grabs a shard of glass. Would every episode consist of a moment where Ving and A.C. had to struggle to get a glass of water? Because that could be unintentionally hilarious. Outside, the siren with the gnarly teeth is still swimming. Her seahorse necklace glows. A giant light opens up from the water in the distance, straight up to the sky. A.C., who I guess cut himself free with the shard of glass, dumps a pitcher of water on his own head. He's wet and ready, bro! With two grunts, A.C. pulls the ropes off Ving. A.C. asks how they'll take her down. "We're not doing anything," Ving tells him and says Aquaman should get off the boat. Hilariously, Ving cups water into his hands and sips at it. Gots to have my water, man! A.C. wants revenge for his mother. Ving says he promised A.C.'s father on his dying breath that he'd protect the kid and he isn't going to break that promise now. "Do you have any weapons?" Ving asks. Charm? Rakish good looks? A thirteen-episode deal? No? None of that? "Naughty-a!" Ving calls out into the sea. The sea serpent, who was doing a pretty good job navigating, thanks very much, turns with her creepy teeth and goes, "Heeeeeeeeeesh!" Wow, her name just made me think of a Timbaland and Magoo song. Fishy homegirl leaps from the water like CGI Spider-Man, does a backflip and, with the beam of light from the sea in the background, loses her seatail and gains human ones before landing on the deck of the ship. Now that's committing to a jump. The camera pans up the sea wench's body and her skin magically morphs from dead purple to bodacious fleshtones and fishnet. She's pissed! To prove it, she opens the cabin door dramatically and stands in the doorway as the camera tilts at a forty-five-degree angle to accentuate the ship (which, if it were Arrested Development, would be called "The C-Word."). Ving is right there with the crossbow and fires. Sea Serpent Siren grabs the arrow in midair right before it was to hit her in the forehead. "Your aim's gotten better," she snarks. She pulls the arrow -- which somehow pulls Ving with it -- dumps him on the floor and chunks the arrow right into his leg. "OHHH!" goes Ving. "Where's Orrin?" she screams. "Rot in Hell, you scaly bitch!" Ving yells. Love, love, LOVE! Siren pulls out the fork-shaped arrow and stabs Ving again. She asks where Orrin went again. Call her a scaly bitch one more time, Ving! Do it!

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