Aquaman: Pilot

Episode Report Card
Omar G: B- | Grade It Now!
Wet And Ready, Bro
The sunset turns to night and we see a crescent moon. Below, the kid is still underwater, floating and unconscious. He sinks. A whale swims nearby. "Hey, kid, you lost or something?" The whale swims underneath the tot and goes to the surface. Aquatot is sprawled on the back of the whale as we see it rise up from overhead. Ethereal music plays as the kid awakens and sits up. He stands, and the camera circles. The whale blows a sharp stream of water from its blowhole. "Hey, kid, you thirsty?" The kid looks around, confused as a bunch of other whales swim alongside. "Mommm!" he cries into the night. He's the prince of whales! A loud, deep boom and we go to blackout, presumably for a commercial we'll never see. Under the sea! A title card reads, "Tempest Key, Florida this morning." Dolphins, fish, and a shirtless blonde guy swim along happily. Now, this isn't Smallville and I wasn't planning on gaying it up over here, but, man. This is pretty gay. And by that I mean happy. There's even light-FM calypso music playing! Our Aquaman swims right next to a dangerous-looking shark, then moseys over toward a sunken ship. He kicks up some dust on the ocean floor as he kicks away. He's definitely got that fin thing going with his feet. Lots more sharks. A close-up of his seahorse necklace. He looks to the distance and then takes off like a torpedo at fast speed. When he does that, all the sealife is mysteriously missing from the shot. I guess you don't want to show little fishies getting blown away all over the screen. Up on the surface where smelly humans live, Aquaman climbs up the ladder of a boat called (in very large skinny letters) "Quint." How quaint. He's wearing red swim trunks and his back is to us, so there's no way to gauge shrinkage. I'm guessing not getting shrinkage is one of Aquaman's key powers. The camera pulls back to show all of "Quint" and it's a cute boat, indeed. Aquaman steps into the cabin. I'm no good with seafaring terms (I lived for six years in Oklahoma where I almost officially became a "landlubber."), but I think it's the cabin. What's the "Head?" Is that the same as a "John?" Is that aft? Anyway, some dude behind Aquaman opens the door and, I swear to God, leers right at him. The guy, in a police uniform, just ogles at our shirtless sea hero like there's no tomorrow on land. There's not supposed to be a Gayest Look of the Episode here, but damned if that isn't it. Mouth open momentarily, he manages to say to Aquaman, "Morning, A.C. Looks like you had a busy night!" Gettin' busy! Oh, man!

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