Aquaman: Pilot

Episode Report Card
Omar G: B- | Grade It Now!
Wet And Ready, Bro
Insert commercial here. Tempest Key Hospital. I have another feeling -- that we'd have a lot of scenes here if this show were to keep going. Aquaman is pouring a glass of water as Aquachica lies in bed. She wakes up. "It's you," she says. A.C. welcomes her back. He says the doctors said he could stay in the room with her until she woke up. Yeah, I call bullshit on that. Smiling, he says he hopes the Navy doesn't have a, "You break it, you bought it" policy. She smiles. He asks if she remembers anything. "Just a flash of light," she says, "then I was flying through the water. And you were carrying me." Oops. You're not supposed to reveal your powers in the pilot, jackass! She smiles in wonder and says they were going so fast. A.C. plays it off, saying that when you're drowning, you lose oxygen to the brain and start seeing things. That's exactly how M. Night Shyamalan is writing scripts these days. There's an awful lot of flowers in the room. Are those from her military buddies? Aquaman excuses himself, but not before she asks if that's his way of saying she's crazy. No, it's his way of covering his wet ass. He says that her plane crashed at seven hundred mph, so he's going to reserve judgment till the painkillers wear off. He offers to tell the nurse she's awake. Why not get a little ambitious with your life and look for a doctor instead? She tells him to wait and asks his name. "It's not important," he says. She insists that he saved her life and it's important to her. "A.C.," he says. "How strange of him to change the subject," she thinks, "but I guess it is a little warm in here." Big smiles. She doesn't seem too banged up for having survived a plane crash. In the hospital hallway, the ever-underdressed Aquaman notices the seahorse in his shirt is glowing and humming. It's time to go to a rave! A.C. turns and sees the same color light spilling out from under a door to an exam room. Through the small window in the door he can see a young man lying in a hospital bed with the same necklace a-glowin'. A.C., of course, thinks nothing of just barging into the room. He slowly gets closer and picks up the guy's seahorse. (Not a euphemism, by the way.) The guy wakes up suddenly. "Orrin!" he says. A.C., man! A.C.! He tells Aquaman that "They" know he's here and that he survived. Uh oh. Aquaman asks how he knew his name and where he got his awesome necklace. "They're coming...for you," the dude says, and falls back unconscious. "Who are you?" Aquaman asks. He's pretty unperceptive because he didn't notice a government guy and two soldiers enter the room. "Visiting hours are over," says the suit, who happens to be Craggy Poor Man's Chris Isaak from Smallville. What a killjoy! A.C. asks who the hell this guy is. The suit pulls out his official wallet and flashes a badge that he claims gives him the right to be the one asking the questions. You totally got that off eBay, didn't you? And it says, "Female Body Inspector," right? The soldiers push A.C. aside and wheel the hospital bed right out. Good thing the guy wasn't connected to any monitors or IVs, huh? I guess they don't believe in "medicine" and "technology" in Florida hospitals. A.C. asks where they're taking his seahorse buddy. Craggy Chris Isaak walks out without answering. Aquaman follows. We get a shot of a bubbling water cooler and a woman's chest as she's getting water from it. A.C. keeps following as Craggy Chris Isaak pulls out a cell phone and says, "We got him." A.C., for no really good reason, gives up pursuit. As he walks out of frame, the camera settles on someone else. It's a girl in a purple top. I knew I knew that chest! It's the nude alien girl from another Smallville episode. Wow, everybody who's ever been killed off over there is suddenly in this pilot. She smiles a little strangely, holding her tiny cup of water.

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